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The Half Man Half Biscuit Lyrics of My Life

 
  

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A Haus of Minions
(prev. Jenna Elfman's Hollywood Haus)
13:30 / 28.10.04
In memoriam John Peel

I went to a wedding, though only the night-time.

I didn't know them that well, I watched on from the margins at the dancefloor crowded.

The DJ adhered to the rule of occasion:

Dancing Queen, Shoop Shoop Song, You're the One that I Want, they're the ones that they want. He knew his trade well, I could see.

And at a table nearby, I heard a girl saying to a tall, balding guest.
"So you're Brad Friedel? I'm mildly impressed."

I thought I'd chance my arm. Her reply won my heart:
"So you're William Pitt? Elder or Younger?

And then inexplicably, for reasons unfathomable,
But to me wholly admirable,
The DJ played us some Tallis.

He yanked off the Corrs in disgust and announced "Thomas Tallis,

Lamentations of Jeremiah."

Across an empty dancefloor I walked to commend him,
And also enquire if he had any Dowland.

The incident passed, things got back to normal,
At the end of the evening everyone staggered out, singing.
And they were singing:

"Oh you can't put your foot up in Europe,
You can't show your studs on the 'Nent.
They take a dim view of a slightly-raised shoe,
So think on if you're up against Gent
- My lad -
Think on if you're up against Gent
 
 
Stoatie. Stoatie? STOATIE.
03:16 / 09.10.05
Is your child hyperactive
Or is he, perhaps, a twat?
 
 
Stoatie. Stoatie? STOATIE.
22:50 / 09.10.06
You call Glastonbury "Glasto"
You'd like to go there one day
When they've put up the gun-towers
To keep the hippies away
 
 
Phex: Dorset Doom
23:08 / 09.10.06
/threadrot- all non-British Barbelithers have probably died of acute confusion poisoning right now.
 
 
ghadis
23:28 / 09.10.06
You may have to rescue me
From limestone quarries, frequently
Those corporate stunt shows you attend
You'll never get asked back again, say

Hello, spinal curvature
Get used to the mirthless furniture
Now we've kissed, I written this list
I thought you ought to know

Them's the vagaries
Them's the vagaries
Them's the vagaries
Them's the vagaries
Them's the vagaries
Them's the vagaries

I'll not sit backwards on the train
I can't say I'll always flush the chain
And what I call pleasure, you may call pain
I'm talking five-day tests
Prepare to lose your dignity
As I ride to victory
Down the aisle at Tesco wearing
Nothing much at all


Was considering playing this at my wedding but thought better of it in the end.
 
 
FINKLESTEIN!
23:45 / 09.10.06
Haven't read the whole thread, but I am feeling woozy. Think I'll siddown.
 
 
Stoatie. Stoatie? STOATIE.
01:08 / 10.10.06
Sometimes instead of Arthur Lee
I'd much prefer some Arthur Lowe
And with you by my side
I will aspire to ascend
Such heights where we find
Tears and laughter cease to matter
And we'll be pleasantly surprised
By our annual water bill
I'm an early-till-late indispensable mate
Of the bloke who does the PA
I can lend or offend
I can mend and befriend
As I helped to set up the PA
.
 
 
Stoatie. Stoatie? STOATIE.
01:10 / 10.10.06
Am I the ONLY person in the world, other than possibly Haus, who thinks Nigel Blackwell is Britain's greatest lyricist, akin to Morrissey back before he had tons of cash?
 
 
XK
04:06 / 10.10.06
google facilitates my ability to put barbelith expertise into action
 
 
Joy Division Oven Gloves
14:29 / 10.10.06
Stoats - no you're not.

And it feels like I've just been seen by my mates
Seen by my mates
Coming out of a Styx gig
 
 
Life Critic
15:21 / 10.10.06
he certainly is up there.
it's pure fuckin poetry, innit.
 
 
ghadis
13:47 / 12.10.06
London Gig! Shepherd's Bush Empire 21st Dec.

'Satisfying the Bloodlust of the Masses in Peactime'

indeed
 
 
ghadis
13:58 / 12.10.06
Your optimism strikes me like junk mail addressed to the dead
 
 
Ex
14:17 / 12.10.06
Check your sheds, check your sheds, I think I've lost my mind...
 
 
A Haus of Minions
(prev. Jenna Elfman's Hollywood Haus)
15:29 / 12.10.06
And I wonder,
If they'll bring back,
National Service and the birch.

And I wonder,
Though I doubt if
They will ever bring back the Watney Cup.
 
 
A Haus of Minions
(prev. Jenna Elfman's Hollywood Haus)
15:32 / 12.10.06
No frills, handy for the hills, that's the way you spell New Mills.
 
 
ghadis
05:03 / 22.10.06

Yes!
 
 
A Haus of Minions
(prev. Jenna Elfman's Hollywood Haus)
13:12 / 18.01.07
My hands are stained with thistle-milk,
And I can see what a fool I've been,
My hands are stained with thistle-milk,
Look at the state it's got me in:
Trying to be Mansfield's very own,
Trying to be Mansfield's very own

Steve Malkmus.
Steve Malkmus.
Steve Malkmus.
Steve Malkmus.
 
 
Tom Paine's Bones
14:27 / 18.01.07
I shout my obscenities from steeples.
But please don't label me a madman.
I'm off to see the Bootleg Beatles.
As the Bootleg Mark Chapman.
 
 
Stoatie. Stoatie? STOATIE.
16:10 / 07.05.08
There's a man with a mullet going mad with a mallet in Millets!




I call up Dial-a-Pizza
I call up Dial-a-Pizza
I call up Dial-a-Pizza
And say "that's not how I would spell 'Hawaiian'".



(Incidentally, the new album, CSI: Ambleside is out, and it's fucking marvellous).
 
 
DRR... DRR... DRR...
16:14 / 07.05.08
4:06 and I'm wide awake
Got an uncontrollable urge to take
A 5-mile hike around the Ogwen lake
And stretch these restless legs
 
 
Jack Fear
04:47 / 08.05.08
No dry ice?
NO DRY ICE?!?
Oi, Jason! They've got no dry ice!!

(runs through my head with terrifying frequency when something that I need is not found to hand)
 
 
Mon Oncle Ignatius
10:28 / 18.05.08
I've been here and I've been there
In me Joy Division oven gloves
I''ve been to a post-punk Postcard fair
In me Joy Division oven gloves
Ooh ooh Nagasaki towpath
Ooh ooh tickling the laird
Ooh ooh checking out the Quantocks
In me Joy Division oven gloves
In me Joy Division oven gloves

On a sinking ship a sailor yearns
For his Joy Division oven gloves
Nero fiddles while Gordon Burns
In his Joy Division oven gloves
Talk to the hands, talk to the hands
In his Joy Division oven gloves
Dance dance dance dance
In your Joy Division oven gloves


(Best lyrics blog on the interweb? You decide)
 
  

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