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Films - It's 'Gone with the wind' meets 'Scooby Doo'

  
  

Page: 1234(5)678910

 
 
That Is All
(prev. Bizunth Again)
01:15 / 19.03.04
You stole Boogie Nights from my mind!! MY MIND!!

A Boogie Night to Remember
Young Jack Dawson is on the Titanic with naught but a dream, a cheery whistle, and an iceberg sized* wang. Who should he bump into but turn of the century pornographers, ready for him to join their quazi-familial gang? And what should they all bump into but a big iceberg?
Caution: Contains footage of a naked elderly woman throwing a jewel-encrusted dildo into the sea.


*But not shaped.
 
 
That Is All
(prev. Bizunth Again)
01:18 / 19.03.04
A Connecticut Yankee in King Kong's Court
See Bing Crosby eaten alive.
 
 
Grandma loves children
(prev. Old dear. Gin. Problems)
01:47 / 19.03.04
This isn't my idea, I hasten to add, but,
" Die Happiness. "
This would be a combination of the Todd Solenz and Bruce Willis movies - You'd have this burned-out, a bit stressed, but ultimately fairly honourable NYPD cop who'd made one mistake too many outside the local primary school, but who'd then go on to save the city from certain destruction. " Yippe K-Aye, motherfucker, " and that type of thing. It'd be a red-blooded action thriller, but the hero might seem... I don't know... perhaps a bit too interested in saving the children - obviously in this type of situation, any good parent is going to put the kids first, but our hero, at this stage, might not be able to control himself, the knowing glint in his eye.
But he'd have saved the city, saved thousands of lives.
The audience, after this, would leave the cinema feeling fairly confused, I guess.
 
 
Stoat-ROW ROW FIGHT THE POWAH
12:14 / 19.03.04
Ronnie Barko

Fletcher is plagued by visions of a giant rabbit leading him out of his cell at night. Can he save Godber? Or is the world doomed?
 
 
Bed Head
12:49 / 19.03.04
Donnie Darko Juan deMarco.

Trapped in what may or may not be an alternative universe, Johnny Depp (wearing a cape and a mask and nothing else) seduces Jake Gyllenhaal with the line that 28 days of relentless sex will open a time portal and return them both to ‘God’s path’. Depp sounds crazy, but Gyllenhaal has the nagging feeling something is very wrong with a universe in which he isn’t a millionaire superstar, and so participates in this weird scheme.
 
 
rizla mission
13:15 / 19.03.04
How Green is my Valley of the Dolls

The decadent lifestyles and sexual depravity of the women of a Welsh mining town exposed!
 
 
Michelle Gale
13:31 / 19.03.04
Top Hun-

Tom cruise transported to 1941 Germany with a fuckoff plane, and his English, gay, jewish sidekick Phillip Merryweather providing the comic relief.
 
 
Sax
13:46 / 19.03.04
Love Ronnie Barko.

Open All Hours Range

Stuttering shopkeeper Kevin Costner must fight the worst the lawless West can offer to win the love of Nurse Gladys Emmanuelle.
 
 
The Strobe
14:29 / 19.03.04
Demolition Man Dancin'
Sylvester Stallone, kept in a prototype cryo-prison, is released back onto the streets of Glasgow, where he tries to do something good with his life.

Buffalo 66 Soldiers
Vincent Gallo ends up taking a lot of drugs whilst on a bum tour of duty in 80s Germany. With Christina Ricci as Anna Paquin.

21 Jump Street Grams
Johnny Depp plays an cop undercover as a teenager. At the Jump Street station where he's based, gravity is peculiarly weak - so much so that the average cadaver registers 21 grams on the scales. That's the weight of life, buddy.

Starsky and Hooch
Ben Stiller plays Tom Hanks in this crossover comedy. With his partner Ken Hutchinson on holiday in Maui, Starsky must team up with a fucking dog to bust a huge drug-smuggling operation.

The School of The Rock
Following his supposed disappearance at the end of The Rock, ex-convict John Mason blags a room with his best friend from school (James Mason). When he takes a job intended for a friend, as a substitute teacher, he ends up with a class of children particularly talented at ass-kicking. He trains them how to break in and out of any world jail, and how to out-act Nicholas Cage in a mine-cart.

Torque to Her
A biker's girlfriend hits the bull-bars of an SUV in a deadly game of chicken. Whilst in a coma, the biker befriends a male nurse, and the most unlikely foreign-language action-movie-romance ever ensues. From the producer of The Fast and the Furious.

Cheaper by the Dirty Dozen
Stever Martin plays a father whose children have a nasty accident with a time machine. Transported back to WWII, one crazy family are going to take down some of the top brass of the Wehrmacht!

Big Fish
Edward Bloom wished he could be big for just one day - little did he know, that instead of turning into Tom Hanks, he'd turn into a bedridden Albert Finney! Stuck in a bed, he decides to make the best of the day by telling some tall tales, and relaxing by jumping up and down on a giant piano keyboard. Dorky fun for the whole family.
 
 
Panic
17:08 / 19.03.04
MONSTER AND COMMANDER

A lesbian serial killer locked in mortal combat with Napoleon's Navy.
 
 
Mr Tricks
20:13 / 19.03.04
Until the end of the mad mad mad mad world
An ensemble cast of mostly dead comedians chase William Hurt across the globe while he quests to record the dreams of Max von Sydow who is hiding under a great big double-U in the Australian outback.

Night of the Live and Let Die
Roger Moore attempts to revive his career as Cinema's favorate spy not realising that he's really a Zombie in need of a brains. Paul McArtney and Micheal Jackson supply the soundtrack.

13 warrior
Antonio Bandarias stars as a muslim single mother who's 13 year old daughter has taken up sex, drugs, sword wielding and canabalism in an attempt to be accepted by highschools most popular group of nordic warriors.

The Fog of Star Wars
A moving documentary detailing Robert McNamara's personal quest to play the role of Jar Jar binks throughout the production of the Original Star Wars trilogy.

ROCKY and raging Bullwinkle
In a cutting edge combination of live action and animation, Philidelphea flying squirrel(played live by Sylvester Stallone) must train day and night for his showdown against animated "toon" boxing champ Raging Bullwinkle (rotoscoped animation of Robert DeNero with voice acting by Mr.T) in a bought that has the fate of the world in the balance.

Mad Party Monster Party
Based on a true story, this animated film by Rankin Bass, the creative team behind classic TV specials; "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer" and countless others, tells the tail of a young vampire's rise to suck-sess in the early 90's Manhattan Night club community. Following his rise and gradual decline into a sex, drug and disco fueled orgy of animated body parts and toy dolls.
 
 
Stoat-ROW ROW FIGHT THE POWAH
20:36 / 19.03.04
The Lord of the Rings: part two- The Two Ronnies

Make this one up yourselves, kids.

Cannon and Thunderball

Jamesh Bond. Pullsh on hish brashes and shesh "rock on, Tommy". A lot.

O Chuckle Brothers, Where Art Thou?

Ostensibly based on Homer (you know, that bloke off the Simpsons who wrote Ulysses 31), this screwball comedy sees Barry and Paul escaping a chain gang while dressed as singing dogs. Kind of like "Some Like It Hot", except not in any real sense of the word "like".
 
 
rizla mission
20:38 / 19.03.04
High Fidelity Noon

The tension builds as John Cusack vainly tries to organise his record collection in time for the midday shoot-out with the outlaw he sent to jail. Features Jack Black singing "Do Not Forsake Me Oh My Darling".
 
 
Rev. Orr
23:37 / 19.03.04
Picnic at the School of Rock
Jack Black blags his way into a cushy teaching job at an exclusive Australian School for Girls. Sadly, his plan to find a new sound for the school band by taking them on a day trip into the bush goes horribly wrong when the entire rhythm section mysteriously disappears despite carrying their instruments and being encased in twelve yards of crinolene each.

Blithe Spirited Away
A honeymooning couple find themselves stranded in a Japanese Bathhouse with an unusual clientel. Demons are the least of their troubles when the ghost of bridegrooms first wife arrives for her weekly ablutions and appears to have forgotten that pesky 'till death do us part' clause. Noel Coward's epigrams marry to perfection with the sumptuous animation until they find themselves stuck on a train and it all goes a bit 'Brief Encounter'.

Wild at Heart Strawberries
A quiet, tragi-comic tale of rural Swedish life with all the usual longuers, telling glimpses, snakeskin jackets, random violence and 'Oz' hallucinations.

A Mystic River Runs Through It
A potent mixture of nostalgia, achingly beautiful scenery, kiddy-fiddling and revenge. With the pacing of turgid treacle it's impossible to sit through in one attempt, but it's still cheaper than just writing to every member of the Academy and asking for an Oscar.

Spell-Bound
A heart-warming documentary following a selection of young photogenic lesbians competing to steal the profits of a national spelling bess competition from the Mob.
 
 
Ex
19:51 / 21.03.04
Freaky Friday the Thirteenth

Disney body-swap fun; Jodie Foster wakes up in her mother's body just as her deranged uncle Jason drops by. Lacking adult guile, Foster is instantly dismembered.
 
 
Grandma loves children
(prev. Old dear. Gin. Problems)
21:35 / 21.03.04
SCORPIO RISING DAMP - Homo-erotic biker movie fetishising black leather, chrome and grubby brown cardigans. Disowned by it's star, Leonard Rossiter, immediately on release.

THE WILD BRADY BUNCH - Cute time-warp Seventies American family gets together again for one last job. A mediation on the end of the Seventies dream. Iconic final shoot-out still treasured by connoisseurs of cinema ultra-violence.

CATS AND STRAW DOGS - Inter-species rivalry gets way out of hand in the English countryside. Outraged R.S.P.C.A. organises mass demonstrations, A.L.F. bombs cinemas.
 
 
Yes
00:24 / 22.03.04
The truth about cats and reservoir dogs

Drew Barrymore pulls off a jewel heist and discovers that the man she loves is an undercover cop. Who will ever forget the Rosie Mcdonell/Michael Madsen ear-slicing scene?

The woman in red dragon

Gene Wilder unwittingly falls for a psychopatic model and gets his lips chewed off.

Crouching tiger, hidden dragonheart

Kangaroo Jackass

Two cons struggle to catch a kangaroo who is wearing a jacket stuffed with stolen cash. Painful stunts ensue.

Enemy of the state of grace

Big night of the living dead

Stanley Tucci struggles to keep a pack of mad zombies well-fed as they destroy his restaurant.

Twin Peaks: Fire walk with me, myself and Irene

Jim Carrey can't remember whether or not he's responsible for the murder of Rennee Zelwegger's doomed high-school princess in a sleepy backwater American town.

Boogie night of the hunter

Howards end of days

A Merchant Ivory production starring Arnold Swartzneggar in a tweed jacket and Anthony Hopkins as the devil, out to take over his English manor.
 
 
PatrickMM
06:01 / 22.03.04
Mulholland Driving Miss Daisy - An old woman is in a mysterious car crash, and it's up to her driver to find out who she was, and what's the point of that mysterious blue box. Then, she has lesbian sex with another old woman.

Being John Q - John Cusack finds a portal into the Denzel Washington character's head. Will his manic puppetry stop Denzel from beating the corrupt HMO's and saving his son.

2001: A Spaceball - Mel Brooks directs this tale that stretches from the beginning of time to a psychedelic conclusion. Leslie Nielsen is HAL, and Rick Moranis as Dave.

Magnolia Force - Dirty Harry's back, but this time, he's struggling with the fact that he has cancer, and must reunite with his estranged child. At the same time, other characters experience the same problem.
 
 
Mr Tricks
01:32 / 23.03.04
Red Dawn of the Dead
Communist Zombies take over American Malls!

Big Mama's House Party
Under cover agent dresses in drag and throws house parties

Deep Blue Seabiscuit

er . . . well I'll be back
 
 
praying mantis
03:31 / 23.03.04
men don't amelieave
audrey tautou found her love and married him, but he died, leaving her and their two children. they must leave france for baltimore. subtitled.

the wizard of OZ
dorothy goes on a wondrous journey where she meets various criminals w/aliases who pimp her out. scarecrow is the brawn of the operation, as he has no brains. tin man has been known to gut grandmothers for a nickel, cos he has no heart. lion is the mastermind, cos he doesn't have the courage to carry out any plans. they all end up in a crazy place called oz, where they have to look out for the warden, nicknamed the wicked witch of the west, who wants all their heads on a platter. they fashion a shiv for self-defense. love the "poppy" scene, if you get my drift.

beauty and the sexy beast
ben kingsley is a horribly disfigured career criminal. when he finds love with a young animated woman, he freaks out, screaming, “no! no! no! no! no! no!” and he makes his friends, such as an animated candleabra, perform one last heist.

nine 1/2 miles
eminem stars in this soft-core porn with kim basinger as his mother, who works at an art gallery in detroit. their relationship takes an incestuous—and sexy!—turn.

toy love story
two college co-ed toys fall in love, despite their very different backgrounds—one’s from f.a.o. schwartz; the other,wal-mart. tragically, one dies. because love means never having to say yr sorry you ran out of batteries.

stigmata-hari
patricia arquette is a seductive world war I spy. her double-crossing works until she starts bleeding from her hands.
 
 
Lionheart
11:24 / 23.03.04
Donnie Brarko- Johnny Depp is a cop who goes undercover to infiltrate the mafia only to discover that the mob's being ruled by a time-travelling apocalyptic man in a bunny suit.

Stand by Me, Myself, and Irene - Jim Carrey plays a man with multiple personality disorder who sets out on an adventure to find the dead body of Renee Zellweger only to lose his medication and discover himself(s).

The Enemy at the Ninth Gate - Jude Law plays a book detective/sniper, Vassili "Rabbit" Zaitsev, who is hired by Nikita Khrushchev (Bob Hoskins) to track down a book, rumoured to be written by the Devil, which promises to turn the tides in the battle of Stalingrad.

Rear Window to Paris - James Stewart plays a wheel-chair photographer vacationing in Paris whose voyeristic hobby is ruined by a constant stream of Russians appearing in his window.

Steal This Scary Movie - After accidentally killing a 60s anti-war activist a group of teenagers find themselves stalked and slowly murdered by a masked Abbie Hoffman (Vincent D'Onofrio).

Who Framed Roger & Me - Michael Moore investigates the economical devastation of Flint, Michigan, a town wrecked by the closing down of its sole source of employment: A Walt Disney animation studio.
 
 
Sax
11:34 / 23.03.04
Carry On The Beach

(three for the price of one!)

Leonardo di Caprio escapes to a remote island following an apocalyptic nuclear war, where he finds a small community led by Sid James and Hatti Jacques.
 
 
sleazenation
13:48 / 23.03.04
Wayne's world is not enough

Dana Carvey decies that if mike myers can do a james bond spoof then so can he...
 
 
rizla mission
17:00 / 23.03.04
The Greatest Show on Battlefield Earth

John Travolta leads a scientologist circus troupe attempting to bring together the opposing factions in a vast intergalactic war. Or some such nonsense.
 
 
That Is All
(prev. Bizunth Again)
17:26 / 23.03.04
Three films? Pah!

The Good Will Munny, The Bad Boys, and The Coyote Ugly
Mammoth nine hour long arty action chick flick loaded with TNT and A. Mathematical genius and grizzled ex-outlaw Will Munny works as a janitor in an old west brothel, longing for tart with a heart and inspiring song-writer Violet Sanford, but their life is shattered when a gang of outlaws ride into into town led by a robotic bald gunslinger, hotly pursued by wisecracking black sheriff brothers Jim and Bart West. Can Will be head-shrunk by kindly Doc Holliday while buildings and horses are exploding? Will Jim and Bart finally be accepted by the townsfolk before there's none of the town left? Can Will outdraw the robot gunslinger in the final one hour long stand-off, scored inexplicably with a wild west version of Baker Street sung by Shania Twain? Will audience members go for nine hours without their eyes crusting over or their bladders prolapsing?
 
 
John Paul Vann
19:33 / 23.03.04
Groundhog Day Afternoon -
Obscure Pennsylvania barometer type totem creature robs a bank to pay for not his transsexual lover's re-assignment op. Needless to say it all goes tits up, so to speak...
 
 
rizla mission
23:05 / 23.03.04
Lord of the Rings: the Return of King Ralph

Yes! John Goodman returns to the highlight of his comedic career, playing the boisterous accidental monarch who, when elected to unite the tribes of Middle-Earth and repulse the armies of Mordor, instead decides to spend his time stuffing his face, drunkenly cavorting with hobbits, refering to his companions using insulting un-PC epitaphs such as "big ears", "shorty" and "grandpa", and telling the council of elders to "lighten up a little!"

So good I can almost smell it..
 
 
A Haus of Minions
02:02 / 26.03.04
The Guyver: Lost Treasure of Atlantis

A techno-organic robot battle suit hooks up with Brian Blessed and Sophie Ward in a quest for the aforementioned treasure. Which is lost. As the Guyver refuses to use any of its projectile weapons systems, it is forced to deal death with a series of ingenious devices involving hot water bottles, fire extinguishers, chewing gum and the Moon's gravitational pull.
 
 
A Haus of Minions
00:44 / 28.03.04
The Last Picture Show

Sonny and Duane are best friends in a sleepy Texas town. They realise with increasing discomfort that they have come to not one but two crossroads. First, they are passing into manhood as their high school graduation approaches. Second, their hometown, Amarene, is dying, and they must decide whether to move on or try to make do with the decrepit pool hall and run-down cinema they have inherited from their childhood friend. However, things take a turn for the bizarre when, at the last showing at the picture house, a muscle-bound action hero, played by Arnold Schwarzenegger, escapes from the screen and into the quiet streets of Amarene, pursuing a violent and pyrotechnics-heavy vendetta with a sinister drug-dealer (Charles Dance. Again).

Cybill Shepherd fights with nunchuks.
 
 
puck lolz
16:13 / 28.03.04
Master and commander of the universe

the directer forsakes a convaluted storyline involving dimensional crossovers, big boats and other nonsense, halfway through and just films Dolf Lungren and Russel Crowe getting drunk and wrestling in baby oil. While Courney Cox makes an early apperance sobbing in the corner.

Scarface/off

the story of a ganster who suffers hidous mind bending episodes due to prlonged drug use and stress, convinced that poeple are stealing his identity Al Pacchino flips out kills everyone, expext scences of severe face mutilation, swearwords that will make a childs ear bleed and a herioc amount of drug abuse
 
 
Panic
22:16 / 04.04.04
Farewell My Columbine

scathing documentary about the aftermath of a shooting rampage by a Peking Opera troupe

The Fabulous Baker Boys Don't Cry

trannie teenage sisters/lounge pianists bicker over their new singer and are murdered by her boyfriend

Harry Palmer and the Sorcerer's Stone

um...never saw the Potter films/read the books, but you can't go wrong replacing a magic wand with a snubnose .38, can you?
 
 
Stoat-ROW ROW FIGHT THE POWAH
22:35 / 04.04.04
Elephantasm

It's a normal day at a normal high school. Told in pseudo-documentary style. Until... a couple of kids who are really fucked off with some other kids get a weird tall guy they met at the cemetery to send in some spinning balls to rip everyone's brains out.
Nothing is explained. But there are midgets.
 
 
The Strobe
23:22 / 04.04.04
The Love Actually Bug
Richard Curtis makes the most mammoth feel-good romantic comedy yet. Twelve plot-lines intertwine as the film details all the owners of Volkswagen Beetle number 53, or Herbie to his friends. Laugh as Bill Nighy tries to drive it home whilst flying on speedballs. Wince as Alan Rickman accidentally runs over Emma Thompson - but don't worry, you'll forget about the tragedy as the script promptly bowls onto a hilarious story about a twelve year old driving the car to save Liam Neeson. From smugglers, or something stupid. Hugh Grant plays a failed racing driver whose life is set alight by a feisty mechanic. Who isn't played by Martine McCutcheon.

It's All About The Love Bug
Joaquin Phoenix and Clare Danes play a pair of Polish race-car drivers, bequeathed an ancient VW Beetle. Around them, people are dying randomly, Sean Penn is stuck in a Lancia Integrale that he can't get out of, and they fight off a trio of Danes-clones in tricolore Minis, straight out of the Italian Job. It ends with a trip into the wilderness, Herbie running out of petrol, and his owners dying in a snowdrift. The end credits roll over the plaintive, repetetive, wailing of his horn.

In The Mood for the Love Bug
Wong Kar-Wai takes Herbie to Hong Kong in this 50s period number, about the early days of a plucky little car, and the restrained amorousness of his owners.

The Love Bug's Labours Lost
Kenneth Branagh takes Herbie into Shakespeare! It's a musical, about the fortunes of three friends and their friendly car; they vow never to have sex on the back seat. Unfortunately, none of them can keep their hands off a pile of exchange students who turn up, and soon Herbie's floorpan is littered with used rubbers. Herbie just can't keep a secret... and turns the tables on them with hilarious results!

Shakespeare in the Love Bug
Period comedy. Will Shakespeare's dried up completely, but he's got a new play due. What will he do? From nowhere, a white VW Beetle appears fresh from a time portal, and soon he's full of ideas. He falls in love with his plucky co-driver after discovering that he (for 17th century rallying forbad lady navigators) is really a she, and writes up the story as the little-known (and now sadly lost with the rest of Quarto 3) play Ye Transport of Delighte.

That is enough stupid Herbie jokes for now. See also: From Russia with the Love Bug, Down with the Love Bug, The Love Bug Is The Devil (a sensitive automotive portrayal of Francis Bacon's life and loves) and Show Me the Love Bug (Cuba Gooding Jr in an Icelandic film originally titled Fucking Herbie).
 
 
PatrickMM
04:44 / 05.04.04
Hellboys Don't Cry
In which a young girl decides to become a large red superhero, much gender identity crisis ensues.

Eternal Sunshine of the Beautiful Mind
John Nash wants to erase the memory of his wife Alicia, but as he goes through his memories, he realizes that today, there's no way he'd get by with dating a student.
 
 
Brigade du jour
03:19 / 06.04.04
These are the result of a bored bus ride to work, way too many to write synopses for.

Lock Stock and Two Christmas Carols
Charlie's Aliens
The Breakfast Fight Club
Ferris Bueller's Longest Day Off
The Loneliness of the Long Distance Blade Runner
Harry Potter and the Road To Perdition
Saving Privates on Parade
Cheech & Chong's A Room With A View
A Nightmare on Arlington Road
The Big Lebowski Goes Bananas
Debbie Does Dune
Run Amelie Run
Crouching Tiger, Shallow Hal
Honey I Shrunk The Ring
Terminator 2: Training Day
Being John Malkovich in Las Vegas
Things To Do In Denver When You're Jaws
Ice Pirates Of The Caribbean
When Orgazmo Met Sally
Schindler's Wedding
Once Upon A Time in 101 Rejkjavik
When We Were Clerks
The Maltese Condorman

And we weren't even stoned. Well, I wasn't.
 
  

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