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Films - It's 'Gone with the wind' meets 'Scooby Doo'

  
  

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The Return Of Rothkoid
17:24 / 19.11.02
Enter The Dagon
Bruce Lee goes undercover at an eldritch/blasphemous swapmeet. Lots of arsekicking ensues, and Lee spends most of the film wondering why he can't get that fishy smell off his fists of death.
 
 
gergsnickle
00:15 / 21.11.02
Don't Look Back To The Future - Very short film in which Bob Dylan's cue card dropping performance of "Subterranean Homesick Blues" is cut short when a time hopping Delorean containing Michael J Fox and Christopher Lloyd runs him down.

Bring On The Night Of The Living Dead - What promises to be a rather dull documentary of Sting doing Jazz is enlived when the music transforms listeners into flesh-eating zombies. Viewers are urged to bring ear-plugs.
 
 
William Sack
10:28 / 21.11.02
Reefer Madness of King George

Intriguing new perspective on George III's eccentric behaviour.
 
 
gergsnickle
17:16 / 21.11.02
I Am Curious Yellow Submarine - Lena joins the Beatles for an animated quest for enlightenment. On a flying submarine.
 
 
XXII:X:II = XXX
21:26 / 23.11.02
Y Tu Big Mama From the Train: Billy Crystal and Danny deVito are on a roadtrip across Mexico when they pick up a hitchhiking Martin Lawrence in drag. A slapstick love triangle results which ends only when Martin jumps out of the car waving a gun. Well, wouldn't you?

JFK-9: DA Jim Garrison employs the help of a lovable pooch to find the third gunman.

8 Crazy Mile: Eminem dyes his hair black to pass for Jewish in this animated romp.

Spirited Far & Away: It doesn't really matter what the plot of this would be, as long as at some point it devolved into a hentai starring Nicole Kidman doing all the freak-nasty shit she should have done in Eyes Wide Shut.

E.T.A.I.: A precious android boy finds an adorable alien refugee. It's not until the third reel that anyone begins to guess that Spielberg's been wiping his ass on celluloid, but by then the audience has gone into insulin shock.
 
 
XXII:X:II = XXX
21:35 / 23.11.02
...and of course in going throught his thread afterwards I find that I've already done one blending Far and Away with Spirited Away. This one's better, though. Plus I did one using Throw Momma From the Train. You realize you're an alcoholic when you repeat yourself. You realize you're an alcoholic when you repeat yourself. Oh dammit dammit goddammit...
 
 
STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK
14:01 / 24.11.02
Eight and a Half Weeks- in which Fellini goes for the cheap "soft porn" dollar.

At Play In The Field of Dreams- Kevin Costner, ripped to the tits of ayahuasca, crashes his plane into a rain forest, where he teaches the inhabitants about baseball. They all die. Tom Waits does drugs.
 
 
Knight's Move
03:20 / 26.11.02
Point Breaker Morant

Keanu goes undercover during the Boer war to discover why three Australian officers killed Boer prisoners. Discovers it was under orders. Convicted with the others he escapes from firing squad by making anachronistic dive out of plane attached to Edward Woodward.

No Patrick Swayze is what makes this special.
 
 
The Return Of Rothkoid
04:04 / 26.11.02
An Officer And A Gentlemen Prefer Blondes
Musical drama. "Two little blondes from Little Rock" join the Navy Flight School and discover that diamonds are a bit thin on the ground. Except for the one Gere's mate bought before he offed himself, that is. Soundtrack not Hoagy Carmichael's finest hour.
 
 
The Strobe
11:19 / 26.11.02
Ghost: the Way of the Samurai

Patrick Swayze stars as a largely ineffective dead hitman, who lives his life according to the samurai code, when he's not making pots. The irony of a dead killer is strong, but the fact he can't kill anybody sucks a bit. The fact he can't really act sucks more. Original, urban score by Kenny Loggins.

Has anyone done The Unbearable Lightness of Being John Malkovich yet?
 
 
The Return Of Rothkoid
12:05 / 26.11.02
The Big Easy Rider
More shit happens Down South.

Panic Room With A View
Beautiful period drama about forbidden love, shot as a love-letter to Florence. It's just a shame you can't see any of it from behind the 14-foot steel walls.
 
 
The Return Of Rothkoid
12:09 / 26.11.02
Freejack City
Crack-sellers discover that futuristic bodysnatching is a more profitable sideline. The Rolling Stones are their biggest customers. Edgy score includes crossover hit "Beast of Motherfuckin' Burden".
 
 
The Strobe
12:17 / 26.11.02
Charly's Angels
Charly, a simple man made intelligent by scientific experiment, is called upon to head up a crack unit of female, um, action-secret-porn-agents. But in the middle of a crucial mission, he finds his new found intelligence begins to fail, just as it did to his mouse-friend Algernon - with terrible consequences for the girls.
 
 
The Return Of Rothkoid
12:18 / 26.11.02
Butch Cassidy and the Karate Kid
A spirited tale of bankrobbing in Western times, while trying to grow up and not get the crap kicked out of you. Watch for Robert Redford's stagecoach-waxing scenes. Pat Morita sports a lovely pair of chaps.

The Lord Of the Ring
A rag-tag bunch of adventurers are entrusted with The One Tape. They journey to the Crack or Doom to find a VCR to watch it in, only to discover that it'll kill them a week later. Dying, Frodo wonders why he just didn't give the fucking thing to Gollum after all.
 
 
Ex
13:25 / 26.11.02
Room at the Top Gun
Gritty, angry drama of a young Tom Cruise working his way up through local government in a grimy, angry, gritty northern town - by instinct, breaking all the rules.

A Local Government Officer and a Gentleman
Identical, but with hit song "Love lift us up North where it's grim"
 
 
000
14:47 / 26.11.02
Faster Pussycat, Kill, Kill, Kill Your Boyfriend

The famed occult writer reveals his fetish about large breasts.
 
 
rizla mission
15:05 / 26.11.02
Falling Down by Law
Driven insane by the stresses of his life as an unemployed DJ, Tom Waits buys some guns and causes random vigilante mayhem on the streets of New Orleans, before being arrested and hanging himself in a prison cell to escape the persistent yet touching comedy japery of Roberto Benigni..
 
 
rory
18:23 / 26.11.02
This just has to be the place for a first post.

24 Hour The Party People
Peter Sellers stars as Manchester rave-goer looking for 'birdy num-nums'.

2001: An Office Space Odyssey
Dave has a hell of a day at work.

Die Another Day at the Races
Groucho plays Bond in latest non-Fleming instalment.

Morvern Callar of the Wild
Scottish girl wigs out after death of boyfriend and flees north to become a sled-dog.

Fargo and Away
Quirky Minnesota police officer sees Nicole Kidman putting Tom Cruise through a woodchipper.
 
 
XXII:X:II = XXX
03:19 / 27.11.02
Raiders of the Lost Boys: Blade III.

Strange Brewster's Millions: Richard Pryor must avenge the death of his long lost father, the emir of Saudi Arabia, by having the US Army's budget inflated to spend the entirety of the surplus. Presidents Bob & Doug need only be supplied with as much beer as they can drink to look the other way. Hilarity ensues when they drink Pryor into the poorhouse. Guffaw.

Um, some decent porn, 8 Mile and whatever the fuck that Britney Spears movie was called: My dream movie starring Pink, Avril Lavigne and Gwen Stefani...

...could someone please make that movie? And give it a slightly shorter title?
 
 
William Sack
10:48 / 27.11.02
Wag the Dog Soldiers

The New Labour spin machine goes into overdrive to divert public attention from the deeply unpopular war against Iraq by manufacturing a domestic crisis - the War on Werewolves.
 
 
rizla mission
17:24 / 27.11.02
The Wages of Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas
A fucked up outlaw journalist and his psychotic attorney somehow end up leading a convoy of Nitro-Glycerine filled trucks across the mountains. Possibly on the way to Las Vegas, we're not sure.

Digby, The Biggest Dog Day Afternoon in the World
Tense drama in which a gigantic loveable pooch voiced by Al Pacino holds up a bank in a misguided attempt to pay for his partner's sex change operation.
 
 
rory
18:39 / 27.11.02
Driving Miss Days of Thunder
Morgan Freeman and Jessica Tandy get lapped 38 times in this heart-racing slice of high-octane, high-octogenarian action.

On Goldenfinger
Bond and Blofeld 'suck face'.

Ice Age of Innocence
Computer-animated sabre-tooths bust up elaborate high-society ball.

Reign of Mrs Doubtfire
Robin Williams stars as everyone's favourite old dragon.
 
 
Tezcatlipoca
19:15 / 27.11.02
Live And Let Die Another Day
Pierce Brosnan and Roger Moore wrestle to determine whose name will give given top billing.

The Spider-Man Who Wasn't There
Billy Bob-Thornton stars as the reluctant super-hero who inadvertantly murders his wife's boss.

From Hell In The Pacific
Jack the Ripper escapes the police, only to wind up trapped on a small island with a downed Japanese pilot.

Moby Dick Tracy
The white detective surfaces, chased as ever by his old nemesis, Captain Ahab Brandon.

Lord Of The Fly
Reworking of Golding's classic tale of a group of schoolboys who - in attempting to transport themselves - merge their DNA with that of a fly.


And welcome, rory...
 
 
rory
22:08 / 27.11.02
Cheers, Tezcatlipoca. Good to be here.

Super Marathon Brothers
Bob Hoskins and some other bloke dressed up in overalls fight video-game monsters by pulling out their teeth.
 
 
Tezcatlipoca
22:26 / 27.11.02
A Clockwork Orange County
Stanley Kubrick achieves the hitherto impossible by filming Anthony Burgess' masterpiece about a youth attempting to gain entry to a university in order to learn Nadsat.

The Sixth Sense And Sensibility
Jane Austen classic about a child actor cursed with the ability to see the otherwise thankfully invisible Bruce Willis.


We must be running out of these by now...
 
 
A Hip Lumpy Sheriff Moon
00:09 / 28.11.02
North by Northwestworld- Cary Grant goes to a theme park that simulates the experience of being chased around the US by a bunch of sinister murderous spies, with no personal risk to himself, until there's a malufunction and a robotic James Mason just keeps... on... coming...

Withnail And The King And I- Hilarious tale of Paul McGann's disastrous flat-sharing with a drunken boorish actor and the deposed King of Siam. Features classic song 'Getting To Hate You'...
 
 
rizla mission
16:20 / 28.11.02
that last one just HAS to become a reality..
 
 
A Hip Lumpy Sheriff Moon
17:47 / 28.11.02
Followed by the sequel, 'Withnail And The King And I And I', which is the same, but more Jamaican.
 
 
ephemerat
18:38 / 28.11.02
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets and Lies

Mike Leigh directs. Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardy is torn apart by revelation after revelation after an old diary is found. What is Harry Potter's real ancestry? Who is the heir of Slytheran? What's with the big snake? Friendships crumble and dissolve, mistrust runs rife, Kenneth Brannagh and Timothy Spall race toward their inevitable mental and emotional breakdowns.
 
 
Baz Auckland
18:53 / 18.03.04
Raiders of the Lost Translation
Bill Murray and Scarlett Johansson hang around a Tokyo hotel fighting Nazis and searching for love, meaning, and the Ark of the Covenant... the entire cast has their face melt off in the end.
 
 
We're The Great Old Ones Now
20:28 / 18.03.04
Oxford Blue Velvet

A young American student at Oxford joins the rowing crew to pursue the woman of his dreams, only to discover an ear in the bottom of the boat, and Dennis Hopper coaching the team.
 
 
Saint Keggers
20:36 / 18.03.04
Midnight Cowboy Beebop in the Garden of Good and Evil That Men Do

New Orleanime with Charles Bronson and lots of drugs.
 
 
rizla mission
23:36 / 18.03.04
Invocation of My Demon Brother Bear
In an unusually adventurous move, Disney bring us this avant garde ten minute cut-up featuring a luciferian ritual performed by a big, friendly bear.
 
 
Warewullf
23:52 / 18.03.04
Some Like it Hot Shots! Part Deux

When Topper Harley witnesses a mob hit, he flees the state in an all female band disguised as a woman, but further complications set in when he's asked to lead a special operation into Iraq.

Hilarity ensues.
 
 
Warewullf
23:56 / 18.03.04
Singin' in the Rain Man

In 1927, Don Lockwood and Charlie Babbitt are a famous on-screen romantic pair. Charlie, however, mistakes the on-screen romance for real love. Offscreen, Don has to dodge the romantic overtures of Raymond, the institutionalized savant brother that Charlie didn't know he had.
 
  

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