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Chief Inspector Spyder is on the case!
(Jeez, you leave for a day to actually, you know, investigate a murder, and you get back and everyone is throwing around wild speculations and accusations. Huh.)
Well, it appears my comment about the killer being “in this very room” was a bit premature- Good lord! Kali, my dear, you’re absolutely covered in blood! Here, take my handkerchief. Now then, as I was saying, it would appear that the murderer got away. Luckily, I managed to hunt down a bunch of subjects anyway, more on that in a moment. But first, let’s talk about all the evidence at the scene. All of these objects were in the room at the time of death:
The Candlestick- While it is covered in Kali’s fingerprints, obviously this is because Kali had to hold the candlestick while she lit it. I don’t really know why you’d need to light a battery-powered candelabra, bit I’m sure it’s unimportant.
The Transporter- Not only convenient as a means for escape, but anyone who has watched too much Star Trek (and I certainly qualify) can tell you that transporters can be used as gateways to parallel universes. Don’t knock the importance of that yet.
The Table Lamp- Apparently, Barbelith was alive when the lights were on. Then the lights were turned off, then on again, and suddenly Barbelith was dead. Could the lamp somehow have killed Barbelith?
The Harpoon Gun- The actual cause of Barbelith’s death has yet to be determined. Could someone have arranged for Barbelith to take a harpoon to the face? Is that what killed it?
The Stash of Pornography- I had to confiscate this. For evidence.
Now then! After carefully reviewing all the essential facts of the case and interviewing every single possible suspect (including several I made up), I’ve narrowed the possible killers down to the following list:
SPYDER’S TOP TEN MOST LIKELY TO HAVE MURDERED BARBELITH!*
10. Charlton Heston - Renowned film star and head of the NRA, Heston certainly would have the know-how to operate the harpoon gun. Not only that, but he has a deep-rooted hatred for message boards. When I interviewed him as a possible witness, he shoved my tape recorder away, saying “Get your stinkin’ paws off me, you damn, dirty internet nerd!” While this would back up my theory of him being a jerk, I have to admit that, as a suspect, he’s not very high on my list. He’s mostly here to excuse a completely unnecessary Planet of the Apes reference.
9. Earl Sinclair- Former star of the never-quite-made-it TV sitcom Dinosaurs, Earl has been an out of work dinosaur TV actor for ten years. But what would drive a dinosaur (even in that desperate of a situation) to murder? Jealousy. Pure, simple envy. While researching the case, I discovered that Groc, Earl’s caveman “neighbor” that occasionally terrorizes his yard, went on to become the great^52 grandfather of Tom Coates, some 60 million years later. Sinclair’s family, however, went on to accomplish absolutely nothing of value for society. He has motive, certainly, but unfortunately lacks the ability to time travel. Thus, he’s only slightly more likely than the Heston theory.
8. Tony the Tiger- Spokesperson for Frosted Flakes. Mister the Tiger recently made comments in an interview with The Panthera Times discussing his disdain for internet communities that “attack the good name and nature of tigers with slanderous, supposedly ironic terms like ‘real, live.’ I doubt these punks have ever even seen a tiger, let alone a real, live one.” When questioned about the possibly of misunderstood context, Mister the Tiger gave a resounding “No comment.”
7. The Zombie of Vincent Price- Undead, mindless “resurrected” version of the classic horror star. After hours of research, I have discovered an important rule of magic: Everything has a Price. (Syntax!) Apparently, the price for having one of the most pristine and well-researched message boards on the internet was literal. The brilliance and glamour of Barbelith has apparently caused Vincent Price to rise from his grave with one mission: The destruction of Barbelith. That being said, I discovered all this from Mister Price himself, whom I met in a bar in Tijuana an hour after the murder. While it is possible he could have beamed to Tijuana from the murder site while the lights were off, it seems unlikely. We have to remember that, being mindless, it would take quite an effort for any zombie to properly work a transporter, even if they were Vincent Price.
6. Amelia Earhart- Abducted by aliens in 1937 and turned into their mutated human killing machine, Miss Earhart certainly would know how to operate that transporter. And she’s controlled by pissed-off aliens, which is motive enough for me. Unfortunately, there’s no real evidence to connect her to the scene. The evidence is all just circumstantial.
5. Xorn- Angry subconscious of Magneto? Pissed off child of China with crazy abilities? The sentient, disembodied powers of a bunch of mutants? Who knows! In the few short years he’s existed, Xorn has had more origins than Joan Rivers has had face lifts. And the problem is that the Barbelith Comics Community generally just doesn’t seem to care. They’re convinced that Marvel Editorial is to blame for all this bullshit, and Xorn is really just that voice inside Magneto’s head, he never really existed at all. To say that pisses off the whateverthehellheisthisweek is a bit of an understatement. And since his powers are different every time you see him, he certainly could have killed Barbelith. Motive. Means. The problem with this theory? Meh. He’s just a voice inside Magneto’s head. He’s not a real person or anything.
4. Evil Lincoln- Evil, beardless 16th President of the Confederate States of America in the parallel universe. Remember that thing about transporters and parallel universes? Uh-huh, told you it would be important. The writer of The Emancipation Smancipation, making slavery mandatory across America, Evil Lincoln rises from his grave every October 3rd to seek revenge on all that strive for social justice. Sounds like a motive for killing Barbelith to me. Also, if he managed to change the configuration of a transporter (technology 400 years more advanced than anything he had ever seen) to beam him from his universe to ours, I’m pretty sure he could be determined enough to kill Barbelith.
3. Bizarro Tom Coates- What happens when you use an imperfect duplicator on Tom Coates, Grand Master Administrator of Barbelith? You get a Bizarro-duplicate of Tom who speaks with terrible grammar and who is obsessed with the destruction of Barbelith, of course! Bizarro Tom has all the super powers of our brilliant webmaster, but he’s rather stupid and obsessed with the destruction of Barbelith. Seems pretty reasonable that he might have finally achieved his life long dream.
2. Bill O’Reilly- Jerkwad Supreme, Alleged Spawn of Satan, and Fox News Broadcaster. Why would Bill O’Reilly hate Barbelith enough to kill it? Well, O’Reilly is completely obsessed with himself, let’s remember, and I honestly don’t think there’s a single member of Barbelith who has anything other than spite for the miserable bastard. And let us not forget that he kills a bunch of people in the “fictional” novel he wrote. About himself. Hmm… Sounds mighty suspicious to me.
But as much of a douchebag as O’Reilly may be, nothing compares to the sheer level of evil exuded by my number one suspect-
1. Margaret Thatcher!- Ex-Prime Minister of the UK, Thatcher was an sinister manipulating old crone before it was cool. This is a women who shipped away homeless people and tried to come up with a plan to eliminate homosexuality from Britain. Yikes. After a very careful interview (there was bulletproof glass between us), I discovered that she HATES Barbelith. More Than Anything. Talk about scary. And she’s got connections coming out the whazoo. She could easily set up the murder, because she assumed that I, a lowly inspector, would never dare accuse her of the crime. Which, of course, I did. Because I have a death wish, I guess.
But the crime’s not solved yet! You have the ten suspects, now it’s your chance to vote for Who Killed Barbelith?! Send in your vote to Spyder’s PM box (Or just post it here, I guess. You know, if you want everyone to see your vote or something.) Spyder will tally your votes and announce the killer on October 14th. Vote now, and help bring the killer to justice!
Now then, Kali, do you need another handkerchief?
*=NOTE: The accusations being made in this post are solely the satirical thoughts and opinions of Inspector Spyder, and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of Barbelith as a whole. As such, any legal action should be taken against not Barbelith, but the good Inspector. Good luck finding the miserable old bastard. |
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