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Ask Von Mises

  
  

Page: 12(3)

 
 
Mon Oncle Ignatius
13:37 / 25.01.06
Dear von Mises

I have become concerned that the system of flat-rate ticketing on the buses in London may represent a form of anti-free marketeering by that notorious left-winger, the Mayor Kenneth Livingston.

No matter how far you travel, you pay the same amount: whether it is for one stop or from terminus to terminus. This seems tanamount to a form of egalitarianism and even a way of denying the bus companies their right to demand a fee proportionate to the amount of transportation delivered in exchange. Am I correct in this assumption?

Yours etc.

T-W(m)
 
 
Fly Beezy (War Minister)
17:17 / 25.01.06


Dear Legba Rex,

Have you tried hitting all the buttons repeatedly while waggling any and all 'joysticks' back and forth with vigour? I find this to be, if not always productive in terms of ACTUAL results, certainly very satisfying.

Your friend,

Mises.
 
 
Goodness Gracious Meme
18:06 / 25.01.06
Dear Von Mises

I am finding that nothing satisfies me in life except listening to the music commonly known as UK Garage, UK Hip-hop, and GRIME.

However, I am concerned and confused. On the one hand, many of exponents are POOR, and I do not wish to support the efforts of those TOO LAZY to amass capital. On the other, many of the lyrics seem to HOLD DEAR the primacy of personal property by any which I naturally applaud.

Please guide me.

Concerned of BRIGHTON.
 
 
Grandma loves children
(prev. Old dear. Gin. Problems)
18:51 / 25.01.06
Dear von Mises,

I've never had a job because I've never wanted one. I've seen you smile, but I've never really heard you laugh. So who is rich and who is poor? I cannot say. Please advise.

Yours etc,

Steve, in The Bricklayer's Arms.
 
 
the imp of change
19:00 / 25.01.06
Legba: the higher the fewer
 
 
Olulabelle
02:34 / 26.01.06
Dear Von Mises

I seem to make machines go bonkers. Is this normal? If so, is it possible to somehow transfer this power to people, thereby sending all people in my vicinity bonkers?

One example is this: My brand new laptop is making a funny clicky noise whenever I press the left click button. May I please point out that the clicky noise is not the click you would expect but perhaps a more delayed and mechanical click not unlike the sound of the railway line signals changing in Half Life Source.

Should I put up with the wrong click clicky noise and therefore allow myself the joy of the internet (with a bit of odd clicking), or risk ringing the people who made it and have them take the clicky laptop away for experienced shaking, therefore leaving me internetless again?

Yours hopefully...
 
 
Disco is My Class War
14:42 / 26.01.06
I say 'romance', but it was in fact limited to a few sweet moments of sexual activity in the back row of a small cinema during a screening of Fassbinder's Bitteren Tränen der Petra von Kant, Die.

But of course... that's why Shane can't stand old closeted queens.
 
 
Fly Beezy (War Minister)
18:33 / 27.01.06


Goodness Gracious Meme,

It may interest you to know that I recently relocated to a luxurious converted apartment in East London. Once a factory until the workers became so LAZY that it had to be shut down, this highly desirable piece of PERSONAL PROPERTY boasts a state of the art security system which has already put a young would-be burglist into INTENSIVE CARE.

However, my new flat does not keep me completely isolated from the surrounding area. On the contrary! I have become aware of this so-called GRIME music that is currently popular with the locals. After attending a couple of exhilirating 'battles' which took place in basement venues, I exchanged my MONIES for some DVDs including the excellent LORD OF THE MICS 2, and a copy of the ROLL DEEP album. ESKI! BOY!

Having enjoyed the excellent craftsmanship of these works, I, Ludwig Von Mises, have become to compose my own brand of LYRICAL MURDER. Allow me to demonstrate:

EXCHANGE LABOUR FOR FUNDS MAN
MISES: A GUNMAN
WHEN YOU SEE MISES A-COME MAN, RUN MAN!

If you would like to hear more, please let me know. I have already received some positive feedback from "the ROADS", on account of the way I murk them to the left, murk them to the right, murk them in the day, and murk them in the night.

Yours,

Oh-KAY!

Mises.
 
 
Tryphena Absent
18:10 / 29.01.06
Dear Von Mises,

Recently I, a father of two beautiful children, lost custody to a wicked and evil woman. I feel that as the provider of consumer goods I rightfully should have had custody.

How can I resolve this?

Regards,
Nino.
 
 
All Acting Regiment
20:48 / 29.01.06
There's only one answer to that, Martians! Nuke venus!
 
 
Fly Beezy (War Minister)
16:40 / 30.01.06


Dear Solitaire Rose,

One fine winter's day early in 1950, I composed a letter to Ayn Rand, expressing my admiration for her IDEAS. She was so impressed by my intellect that, quite uncharacteristically, she wrote back to me. Though I was married and twenty-four years her senior, the correspondence led to an affair which lasted for ALMOST A YEAR. The relationship served a purely PHYSICAL function. Indeed, Ayn once claimed to need sex with me at least twice a week - in order to ward off WRITER'S BLOCK.

Ms Rand had piercing eyes that seem to look right through you, and had a wonderful way of PINNING you to the wall, so to speak. You could not make any LOOSE statements to Ayn Rand; she would hop on you and say, "Let us examine your PREMISES." She asked me an infinite number of questions.

How fondly I remember her once saying:

"Run for your life from anyone who tells you that money is evil. That sentence is the leper's bell of an approaching looter. So long as men live together on earth and need means to deal with one another - their only substitute, if they abandon money, is the muzzle of the gun. Do you want to know whether that day is coming? Watch money. Money is the barometer of society's virtue."

Ah, but she was a very simple and modest woman. We were on our way to lunch in Radio City once, and as we passed one of those junk shops with all kinds of statues and knickknacks, she saw a little blue bracelet in the window, and like a twelve-year-old girl, Ayn said, "Isn't that a beautiful bracelet!" So I went in and bought it for her. It cost exactly one dollar, but she was as happy as a child.

I remember another occasion, on which she offended some (SOCIALISTS) but delighted MANY guests at a dinner party, by saying of the United States of America: "Any white person who brought the element of civilization had the right to take over this continent." How right she was. No reasonably minded man or woman could dispute that.

Our affair ended later that same year, when Rand took up with a SHIFTLESS YOUNG COCK OF THE WALK named Nathaniel Branden, who she foolishly made her 'intellectual heir' and chief spokesperson. So what if he refined her Objectivist ideas into a strict philosophical system and founded an institute bearing his own name? THE MAN WAS A DOUCHE.

Yours sadly, with teardrops in the corners of mine old, tired eyes,

Ludwig Von Mises.
 
 
Tryphena Absent
16:57 / 30.01.06
Von Mises, your romantic story has inspired me.
 
 
HCE
17:19 / 07.02.06
I wish I could barbequote this entire thread.
 
 
Fly Beezy (War Minister)
03:11 / 12.02.06


Dear monk, moon, sun, path,

I would like to apologise for the TIME it has taken me to compose a response to your question - and indeed the other as-yet-unanswered questions of others.

The truth is that I myself have recently been the VICTIM of an unfortunate CHANGE IN CIRCUMSTANCES. If I am to be entirely honest, I must confess that I have found myself at something of a loose end ever since the departure of my erstwhile estranged lady companion, Eva. And my recent dabbling in the art of RHYME has come to naught, my confidence crushed after I was SONNED in a RAP BATTLE in a grimey basement in Bow.

I am a retired gentlemen with a keen mind, and I have found myself spending many nights alone in my luxurious East London apartment, BORED out of my proverbial GOURD. There are only so many times one can beat a COMPUTER at CHESS before TEDIUM sets in. In time, the DEVIL found WORK for IDLE hands, and I embarked on a new career in the DRUG DISTRIBUTION BUSINESS.

Initially, my new start-up enterprise met with great success. I was able to apply my understanding of economic theory (such as SUPPLY and DEMAND) and my aptitude for commercial activity to my new trade, much in the manner of SPRINGER BELL. I pushed that COOKED CRACK and SMACK on the STREETS of E1, and the fiends went crazy for my shit. BOOM.

But it could not last! The current laws of the United Kingdom are most UNJUST, and penalise certain forms of CAPITALISM, while refusing to penalise those who sit around and do not WORK, instead paying them BENEFITS. I received a visit from OFFICER PO (a.k.a. FIVE-O), and was hauled up in front of a judge at the Old Bailed, who showed no mercy on my poor grey head, instead sending me DOWN for a LONG STRETCH.

So now I am in Pentonville, which is very ROUGH. It is not all bad, however, as I will explain in detail in future posts. In the meantime I urge you to visit www.freevonmises.com and join in the campaign for my hasty acquital and release.

To be a SELF-MADE man is a wonderful thing, monk, moon, sun, path, and I hope that you encounter more long-term success in your ENTREPRENEURIAL efforts than I have had in mine.

Tender affection,

Von Mises
... From Pentonville prison.
 
 
HCE
03:42 / 12.02.06
Dear hero IMPRISONED,

I have made a DONATION, freely given, to your cause.

Respectfully,
LFIP
 
 
Fly Beezy (War Minister)
18:34 / 17.02.06
"LOCKED UP,
THEY WON'T LET ME OUT
WHOA, THEY WON'T LET ME OUT
BECAUSE I'M LOCKED UP
THEY WON'T LET ME OUT
THEY WON'T LET ME OUT."



Dear The Spyder,

SUCCUBI can be a terrible danger to the otherwise rational and ordered workings of the MALE MIND. Indeed, such is the insidious lure of womankind that they are able to compel all men (whose minds have not fallen into HOMOSEXUALISM) to commit acts which the PC LESBIAN FEMINISTS WHO RULE OUR LAW COURTS, SCIENCE LABORATORIES and especially ACADEMIC CENTRES OF STUDY then call SEXUAL HARRASSMENT, merely by dressing like COMMON WHORES. Women of the criminal underclasses are particular good at this form of INCITEMENT, as they prefer to do so rather than spend a day in HONEST WORK - as has been observed by my musically talented friend and current penpal, Richard 'Ricky' Wilson of the excellent Kaiser Chiefs.

As you may be aware, at present I am in Pentonville jail, which is very ROUGH. But at least I am safe from such dangers, as it is not a MIXED environment. The closest thing to female company that I have encountered since the beginning of my sentence (2nd February 2006, a BLACK day in the history books in years to come no DOUBT) is a poster of the young actress Katee Sackhoff in her role as Starbuck in TELEVISION'S BATTLESTAR GALACTICA, which I have affixed to the wall above my bunk by means of BLU-TACK.

Nevertheless some nights my sleep is plagued by NIGHTMARISH FANTASIES in which Ms. Sackhoff climbs down from the wall and proceeds to subject me to a series of BRUTAL MINISTRATIONS, while dressed in the uniform of a COMMUNIST COLONEL. She verbally harangues me, tears up my books in front of me, and beats me with a stick. I, Von Mises, am inevitably naked in these nightmares, but for a t-shirt bearing the sign of the DOLLAR.

I hope that by sharing my experiences with you I have provided you with some measure of comfort and wisdom.

Yours from Pentonville,

Von Mises.
 
 
Spyder Todd 2008
18:11 / 18.02.06
Many thanks, Von Mises, you are indeed a great and wise man, and your story has touched my heart. I shall write a letter to the Prime Minister's office at once, pleading for your swift release from your unjust incarceration.
 
 
All Acting Regiment
19:07 / 18.02.06
Hey, superstar...pass the soap.
 
 
FINKLESTEIN!
15:08 / 20.02.06
Dear Von Mises,

Many apologies to you for the lateness of my response. The Wheels of CAPITALISM turn quickly and with exceeding precision. One must be constantly on the move and focused to the exclusion of ALL ELSE.

NEVER THE LESS, let me say that your latest missive brought a great sadness down upon me, and I wept MANLY tears to read of your plight. A most unjust situation! Is there no recourse for an upstanding citizen such as yourself who was, after all, only meeting the DEMANDS of the MARKET?

Thankfully, I think I may be able to offer a remedy to you.

You see, Von Mises, your response of a month ago to my letter lit a metaphorical FIRE under my ASS. I decided then and there that I would neither BEG IN THE GUTTER nor accept the filthy touch of CHARITY. Having not the ACUMEN for a business I, like you sir, went where the money was FLOWING and the prospects RIPE. I gather that, in your country, you satisfied the equation with the DRUG TRADE. In MY country, there happens to be a market RIPER YET, and with all the money one could ever want.


WAR, Von Mises. I speak of WAR.


War takes more than soldiers, sir, but not much more. Myself, I am unfit for service in the MILITARY. A polyanal cyst has kept me from the ranks of BRAVE MEN who deserve HONOR for their SACRIFICES. However, I do possess an ARTISTIC STREAK that has won me some acclaim in the past. This I offered to the MILITARY, along with my skills of PERSUASION and SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING. It seems the MILITARY do not get many ARTISTS coming through their doors, unless it is to pour RED PAINT on their floor and SHOUT, so I was a badly-needed breath of fresh air. I was put straight to work and have so far had a hand in no less that SEVENTY-FIVE different forms of MILITARY ADVERTISEMENT. True, I work for an employer instead of being self-employed, but I am in a BOOM business and am reaping much financial benefit from it.

Now, to return to an earlier point. I believe that you, Mr. Von Mises, may be a huge asset to the MILITARY-INDUSTRIAL COMPLEX. A lot of the boys need a bit of FIXING UP now and again and, if you feel inclined to work as an INDEPENDENT CONTRACTOR, I believe that the MILITARY may be able to secure an early release for you and all the PAPERWORK you should ever need to get from your country to OURS. Think on this and reply when you are able. I eagerly await your response.

Best,
monk

p.s. Your LYRICAL SKILLZ have me most intrigued. Do you have an album of your recordings for PURCHASE?
 
 
Evil Scientist
14:50 / 22.02.06
Dear Von Mises,

Is it ethically right, in today's ever-changing society to "zerg" on MMPORPGs with a zombie theme?

also...

I need a new word for memes. Even though the word meme perfectly describes memes. Any suggestions?

also...

I've fallen and I can't get up. Advise please.
 
 
Fly Beezy (War Minister)
23:22 / 26.02.06


Dear Haus,

While matters of men's tailoring have always been DEAR to my HEART, I am afraid that in my new life as Prisoner #2311 I have had little opportunity to INDULGE this particular interest of mine. Let me EXPLICATE further:

In order to bring the British so-called 'JUSTICE' system into aesthetic line with our AMERICAN SOCIALIST OVERLORDS, the prisoners' uniform here at Pentonville (it's very rough) has recently undergone a most unnecessary enforced CHANGE. Gone are the black and white horizontal stripes that have TRADITIONALLY served the British prison service. In their place, we at Pentonville are forced to wear ORANGE BOILER-SUITS.

These ungodly garments were first introduced a fortnight ago, and initially included a small external pocket on the left BREAST. However this had to be abandoned due to certain unfortunate deeds carried out by my current cell-mate, a talented musician known as THE GENERAL.

THE GENERAL has been in Pentonville (which is very rough) for some time, and previously shared this cell with a famous heroin addict and former rent boy, one PETER DOHERTY. In that time, he was able to contribute to Mr Doherty's recent album of FINE ENGLISH SONGS, which have gone a long way towards RESTORING ALBION and RESCUING ENGLAND FROM THE CHAVS. However, since Mr Doherty's release from CHOKEY, The General has had fewer opportunities to pursue his MUSIC than he would like. The music room at Pentonville has very few facilities: specifically, there is a tambourine made out of paper, and a triangle with no stick with which to strike it. Nevertheless, the General persevered, working during all his exercise breaks to compose a new magnus opus entitle 'THE LAST OF EMPIRE'.

That was until a week ago, when the white supremacists from C Wing attempted to turn the music room into a meth lab, and IMMOLATED it in the process. Now, as you may know, I Von Mises have no QUARREL with white supremacists so long as they do not RUB IT IN MY FACE or RAM IT DOWN MY THROAT, but I shared the General's belief that this action was most uncalled for.

Two days later, the General INTERRUPTED two of the white supremacists from C Wing while they were sorting books in the LIBRARY, and SHANKED them with a SHARPENED CRAYON which he had concealed in the small external pocket on the left BREAST of his overalls. The next day, after beating the General soundly and confining him to SOLITARY, the guards came round and TORE OFF the piece of fabric that comprised this pocket from all the prisoners' CLOTHES. Elsewhere, this would be seen as VIOLATION of a man's PRIVATE SPACE and PERSONAL PROPERTY - but this is Pentonville, where it is very rough, and SOCIALIST.

There is a MORAL to this story, which I hope is CLEAR.

Yours,

Von Mises.
 
 
Fly Beezy (War Minister)
23:42 / 26.02.06


Dear Lula Livicani,

The reason you have PROBLEMS with TECHNOLOGY is OBVIOUS: you are a WOMAN.

SCIENCE, that flawless, impartial SYSTEM of reliable SOLIDITY, has categorically demonstrated that a woman's brains, such as they are, emit BRAINWAVES that have a DISTORTIVE EFFECT upon computers and THE SUCH. Some people will no doubt accuse me of SEXISM for stating this SCIENTIFIC FACT, but this is only because they have been BRAINWASHED into making such logic errors by the PC LESBIAN FEMINISTS WHO RULE OUR LAW COURTS, SCIENCE LABORATORIES and especially ACADEMIC CENTRES OF STUDY. This is a tragedy, as SCIENCE is a solid rock of impartiality, and should never be bent to the CHANGEABLE WHIMS of so-called POLITICS.

Heaven forfend you should occupy yourself with things more SUITABLE for WOMEN, such as KNITTING, FLOWER-ARRANGING or doing the WASHING-UP!

However, there is hope for you. The disruptive brainwaves emitted by the FEMALE MIND (such as it is) can be reduced in strength through a combination of DIET and REGULAR EXERCISE. Please abstain from red meat, bread, milk, sugar, alcohol, cigarettes, chocolate, caffeine, fish, poultry and GAME. A diet of nuts, berries, leaves and SHOOTS will provide everything your female body could need, and you will find your relationship with technology MUCH IMPROVED.

Yours with the great respect and tenderness that I have for all of the WEAKER SEX,

Von Mises.
 
 
Fly Beezy (War Minister)
10:46 / 10.03.06


Good news EVERYBODY!

(And in particular, Alex's Grandma, I would like to RUB the following item of NEWS in your FACE, since your question seems designed purely to mock the recent misfortunes and MISCARRIAGES OF JUSTICE that led to Ludwig Von Mises becoming Prisoner #2311 in Pentonville, which is very rough.)

Finally the SO-CALLED British JUSTICE system is beginning to see sense. It would appear that after years of WORSENING COMMU-FEMINIST OPPRESSION, some CHECKS and BALANCES are finally being introduced, which enable a frail old man such as myself to receive a fair hearing.

Specifically, two factors have enabled this:

1. BALANCES. The ridiculous over-crowding of this once-great country's prisons (all the fault of no doubt well-intentioned FEMINISTS who have GONE TOO FAR) has forced Pentonville to adopt a new ONE IN, ONE OUT policy. The governor of Pentonville recently learnt that he would soon be receiving a new prisoner - a talented, troubled musician, nay poet, who is about to be given a LONG STRETCH for POSSESSION of HARD DRUGS. Now, normally I Von Mises would abhor the idea of a man being ARRESTED for POSSESSING everything, as possession by rights ought to be nine tenths of the law. However, pure altruism compels me to be glad in this case, as it means my good friend THE GENERAL will soon be reunited with his former cellmate, PETE. Thus BALANCE is restored.

2. CHECKS. Specifically, the CHEQUES I have arranged to be paid into the PRIVATE BANK ACCOUNTS of the probationary board who will shortly be reviewing my CASE.

I do not think I am being OVER-OPTIMISTIC when I say that you will soon find me, Von Mises, out of jail, out on bail, CALIFORNIA DREAMIN'.

Until then,

VM.
 
 
Fly Beezy (War Minister)
16:38 / 25.06.07


But... what could this mean?
 
 
Grandma loves children
(prev. Old dear. Gin. Problems)
02:57 / 26.06.07
It seems to mean, Mr Von M, that your retirement in the Amazon (subsequent to certain events that have been documented well enough on Barbelith, and which I, personally, have no wish to revisit) isn't working out quite as well as it might have done.

No one blames you, though, for faking your own death. The ayahuasca experience - actually not so much the ayahuasca experience iself, as the voice of the jungle after a couple of boiling pints of the stuff, if you're there on your own in a poorly-constructed tent, made out of branches, and leaves; the trees, as an entity, whispering in your ears 'Von Mises, you're a bad c***' ... That, I guess, is going to test you in terms of your committment to free-market economics.

But I like to think you made it through, man.

Well of course you did!

Although you do look a little strange, it's true.

I trust you survived
 
 
Tryphena Absent
11:05 / 26.06.07


Von Mises, you have forgotten your true and untainted path.

Until and unless you discover that money is the root of all good, you ask for your own destruction. When money ceases to become the means by which men deal with one another, then men become the tools of other men. Blood, whips and guns--or dollars. Take your choice--there is no other.

Yours,
Ayn
 
 
A Haus of Minions
11:10 / 26.06.07
Hold on a moment! Von Mises has been impersonated by... a SOCIALIST?
 
 
Tryphena Absent
11:28 / 26.06.07


Well Haus, Socialism is the doctrine that man has no right to exist for his own sake, that his life and his work do not belong to him, but belong to society, that the only justification of his existence is his service to society, and that society may dispose of him in any way it pleases for the sake of whatever it deems to be its own tribal, collective good.
 
 
Grandma loves children
(prev. Old dear. Gin. Problems)
14:54 / 26.06.07
Hold on a moment! Von Mises has been impersonated by... a SOCIALIST?

That would certainly explain some of the namby-pamby views he's expressed in this thread.

Surely the true Dr Von Mises would have ceased to be a customer of the UK prison service by any means necessary, rather than loafing about at Her Majesty's pleasure, discussing his rights as a free consumer in the marketplace over charred cans of Coke Zero with Pete Doherty, and so on?
 
 
Feverfew
23:26 / 09.10.07


A-ha! It is now time to reveal that it was all the plan of I, Oskar Morgenstern! Now the student can truly become the master!

... Ahem.
 
 
Ev
23:56 / 09.10.07
Dear Ayn:

So what did you think of Bioshock?

Your obedient servant . . . I mean, "a man chooses,"

Ev
 
  

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