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Buy Barbelith Platinum now!

  
 
Baz Auckland
06:15 / 30.03.04
In the 'Danke Shon' thread, unheimlich man? posted this:

With Barbelith Platinum, our premium Internet service, you will get all the benefits of our free basic service, plus great additional features. You will enjoy reliable access to the Barbelith with up to 10 MB of private message storage space and mein schonen fraus mitt der swarfega. Plus no pop-ups and fewer advertisements.

...which made me start to wonder 'What would you like to get with your Platinum-level Barbelith membership?' I want it to include:

a) access to the Tom webcam

b) the nano-sentinels currently inhabiting your hard drive will be pacified via secret cookies...

c) keys to the Barbelith safehouse which resides at a secret location

d) Barbelith super-fan pack (stickers, invisibles badge, wall map version of the Barbelith map, membership card...)

e) Pie.

What would you like?
 
 
Solitaire Rose as Tom Servo
07:34 / 30.03.04
A Queer Granny t-shirt and a membership card that gets you two for one at some of your favorite eating establishments.

And a free "King Mob" haircut.
 
 
Sax
07:57 / 30.03.04
A pack of temporary "Haus" tattoos.

A fully poseable Xoc action figure.

Rizla's record collection.
 
 
wembley can change in 28 days
09:02 / 30.03.04
- A big fat gift certificate for Amazon.com/.co.uk

- ninja star / pirate hook (choose one only)

- one huggle
 
 
Jub
09:41 / 30.03.04
- the awe of lesser beings.
 
 
Stoat-ROW ROW FIGHT THE POWAH
09:48 / 30.03.04
A premium service ass-candling.
Plans for a giant robot.
EITHER a ninja mask or an eyepatch, with a picture of Barbelith on it.
And one unspeakable horror.
 
 
Sandy Claws
10:04 / 30.03.04
Full ninja suit(purple)
Access to Tom`s brain
At least ten minions and lesser demons
My own Temple
A steel plate with the inscription "Barbelith 4ever" implanted in my forehead(preferably through my left nostril)
Some money and a fancy card like the people from CoS get
 
 
Perfect Tommy
10:17 / 30.03.04
I got iBarbelith. It is more attractively designed than Barbelith, with more color options, and it guides the universe through its 5-dimensional birth into consciousness from my pocket instead of the far side of the moon.

iBarbelith. iMmanentize the eschaton.
 
 
A Haus of Minions
10:24 / 30.03.04
You're all confused. It isn't Barbelith Platinum. It's Barbelith Plat*ypus*. Members get a tiny baby platypus, which will bat at you ineffectually with its unformed poison spurs as you feed it.

Tiny baby platypus!

  
 
Perfect Tommy
10:28 / 30.03.04
*looks at iBarbelith*

*looks at Barbelith Plat-ypus*

*looks at iBarbelith*

sigh.
 
 
Grey Area
10:35 / 30.03.04
What you'd get if I ran this scheme:
- Doctor Who-style BarbeScarf in new corporate identity colours.
- Access codes to the secret Barbelith Mainframe that contains, in electronic form, all the information that was contained in the microfilm found by Nocholas Cage at the end of 'The Rock'
- A pair of really funky shoes (either funky style or funky odour, you get to choose)
- Lifetime Season Tickets to Celebrity Deathmatch UK, once it starts.
- Telepathy
 
 
Tryphena Absent
15:32 / 30.03.04
That baby might be cute but it's also ugly.
 
 
A Haus of Minions
15:38 / 30.03.04
You don't have to *date* it, Anna. Just huggle it and keep it warm and give it milk.

Barbelith - joli-laid for your convenience.
 
 
Grey Area
15:42 / 30.03.04
Disclaimer: Access our 24-hour worldwide Platypus Anti-Venom service is a Barbelith Platinum Plus service. You are encouraged to take out this additional service once your platypus reaches maturity. Service costs $300 per month, or $3590 for a twelve month SuperSavePlus subscriotion (save $10!!!).
 
 
That Is All
(prev. Bizunth Again)
15:48 / 30.03.04
Subscribers to the Barbelith Platinum DoublePlusGood service may find that everything in your life is somehow better. Air tastes better, wrinkles and blemishes seem smaller, humanity seems more tolerant and friendly, and films have more compelling plot-lines and conclusions and are rarely remakes/sequels/seventies tv adaptations. However, due to a bug in our system, celery now tastes like cucumber and vice versa. Try not to let it bother you.
 
 
Mourne Kransky
16:05 / 30.03.04
With my loyalty card, I got a life size Warewullf cut out and one of Illmatic's home videos, and I'm saving up for some of Loomis' home made fruit sausage.

With Platinum membership I'd want Sax in a presentation box, tied up in a big bow, wearing a full length Kit-Cat Club wig.
 
 
Morlock - groupie for hire
18:55 / 30.03.04
'Lith Platinum downloads directly into your braaaain, maaannn. Guess I'm gonna need me one hell of a firewall, though...
 
 
VonKobra,Scuttling&Slithering
08:39 / 01.04.04
- A FREE tub (20lt) of SWARFEGA

- ENIGMA DECODER BOOK

- RUBBER Thong emblazoned with various Eagles, Oakleaves etc

- GOGGLES AND GASMASK (Diesel Scented)

- DENIM Kriegsmarine Uniform (Epaulettes To Be Purchased Seperately)

- GOLDEN "RIDE OF THE VALKYRIES" CHAINSAW

- 1 Type XII Unterseeboot in Working Order
 
 
Sandy Claws
08:52 / 01.04.04
Im adding RUBBER Thong emblazoned with various Eagles, Oakleaves etc to my list..
 
 
LDones
09:08 / 01.04.04
- Monkey fetus w/ Invisibles badge pinned through frontal lobes

- 50 foot length of weighted chain signed by Grant Morrison and Bio-K9

- Overcompensatingly strong opinions in the face of vague post-adolescent insecurity
 
 
lekvar
12:39 / 01.04.04
-One kiss from Mr. Quimper

(Barbelith Platinum "Ultra-Pak" subscribers are allowed to forego this)
 
 
Fly Beezy (War Minister)
15:25 / 01.04.04
- The hottest punk, goth, emo, hip-hop and 'alternative' boygirls and girlboys on the internet: NAKED*.

*Disclaimer: none of these people may actually be hott and/or naked. Many may be bearded.
 
  
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