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My girlf is shit in bed

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ffffdfffff

01:13 / 02.02.04

I'm thinking of telling her. She needs to improve her technique or I'm dumping her.

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

01:19 / 02.02.04

...Jesus...

w1rebaby

01:21 / 02.02.04

I'm thinking of growing a third arm, so I can type properly while I'm wanking. Do you think this is a good idea?

fluid_state

01:29 / 02.02.04

I'd wager she'll be better at sex if she does it with someone who's not you.

Suedey! SHOT FOR MEAT!

02:20 / 02.02.04

I wish I had a girlf.

Not as much as I wish I had a smurf though!

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

02:30 / 02.02.04

D'you know, when I was a kid, I thought the plural of smurf should be "smurves".

ffffdfffff

02:34 / 02.02.04

This is a deadly serious subject. My girlf will be fucked up if I finsih with her and I don't want to have to break her heart like this but at the end of the day I don't want to have to sleep with someone for the rest of my life whilst I'm secretly thinking I'd rather be in bed with someone else.

w1rebaby

02:52 / 02.02.04

See, with an extra arm I could cyber much more effectively, but on the other hand I'd have to get a whole load of new shirts.

It's a bit of a dilemma.

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

02:55 / 02.02.04

Couldn't you just be... you know, nekkid?

w1rebaby

02:57 / 02.02.04

What, all the time?

...

It's a thought.

w1rebaby

03:02 / 02.02.04

I just called up my work, and they said that if I turned up naked, they'd spank me with birch twigs, harshly. I know what they mean by harshly. It requires a lot of blood loss. I've encountered that before. I think I'd prefer to get new shirts.

Does anyone know any good shops for three-armed shirts?

Mordant Carnival

03:02 / 02.02.04

No, you just grow the arm in your groinal region. Then all you need is baggy jeans.

Jeeze, do I have to explain everything around here?

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

03:03 / 02.02.04

You could always try that place that makes the trousers for the Isle of Man.

w1rebaby

03:05 / 02.02.04

I don't think you've done this before. An extra groinal appendage leads to diverted blood flow. It's a potential deathtrap.

Mordant Carnival

03:07 / 02.02.04

Not if it's a relatively undersized groinal appendage.

w1rebaby

03:18 / 02.02.04

Now who wants an undersized groinal appendage? I fail to see the point in attaching such a thing.

Basically I need something that will provide a good grip, diameter being important, and cause minimal disruption to existing systems. Does anyone know any good manufacturers? I've tried Dell but they're just not satisfactory.

the Fool

03:20 / 02.02.04

You all obviously need Orgasmo-button implants. Just press and orgasm!!! No need for mutant biological adapations or overly baggy jeans, no need to get nekkid or worry about sexual technique of your partner! Its just press and go! Its the buzz you'll never tire of!!! EEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!! ... EEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!

(Though you may get RSI of the finger...)

Mordant Carnival

03:25 / 02.02.04

See, you're thinking that a groinal appendage has to be like a human hand. A webbed appendage, similar to a duck's foot, would provide adequate surface area and traction without causing an undue drain on the blood supply.

PS: Orgasmo buttons? Dude, don't be stupid.

the Fool

03:39 / 02.02.04

Orgasmo-buttons can come in fashionable colours and styles, I'd like to see a duck wank-o-endage manage that!

w1rebaby

03:40 / 02.02.04

Okay. The ideal appendage would be a tentacle; I don't think anyone would dispute that. Let's not fight about this. (Let me tell you that platypus-style grips, while superficially attractive, provide no long-term satisfaction.)

W00t! I've been distracted by Independence Day on TV! Go on, Will, stick it to those towel-heads! Er, aliens.

Alex's Grandma

04:19 / 02.02.04

I don't really care what anyone says, you CAN'T go on the internet and say that type of thing. I mean I admire your bravery, but for fuck's sake man, seriously...
Anyway, possibly, arguably, this is not meant to be.
Just do what you can to try and let her down gently, if for no other reason than the next time round it could be you, who's sitting there quietly with a bottle of vodka, waiting around for the phone to ring. It's a bit gauche honestly, take it from me. ALWAYS BE KIND

Solitaire Rose as Tom Servo

05:47 / 02.02.04

Let me see if I have this stright, you want to know if you should dump your girlfriend because she isn't good in bed?

Holy Crap! THAT'S why I keep getting dumped. Maybe I should work my way up to it by being good in the hallway, then good in the doorway, then good in the pantry and finally in the guest room. It's like training for the Olympics.

Tezcatlipoca

08:35 / 02.02.04

Careful, Rose, you're dangerously on topic there. We're discussing third arms and the myriad benefits thereof, remember?

Cloned Christ on a HoverDonkey

09:55 / 02.02.04

Yeah, a tentacle, complete with manifold little suckers would be great. It would be very useful for 'cybering' and flat-pack furniture would be a breeze, though keeping it slimed up could be a bit of a bind, mind you.

Or failing extra appendages, simply get the one you've got removed, thus rendering girlfs entirely superfluous, as they have no other uses than being fucking great in bed, and everything.

Olulabelle

11:19 / 02.02.04

...though keeping it slimed up could be a bit of a bind, mind you. *Vomits on keyboard.*

A third arm/tentacle/appendage definitely has myriad benefits, the very least of which is that the ability to satisfy the girlf suddenly becomes a reachable goal and as a consequence the 'shit-in-bed-ness' instantly transforms into 'very-excellent-in-bed-ness' indeed.

The sad position the girlf is obviously in now is that she clearly can't expect to be satisfied in bed and instead has to run to the bathroom when it's all (possibly rather quickly) over, in order to 'do her own thing' to finally get her sexual rocks off.

mixmage

12:14 / 02.02.04

*sigh* all you Anterior-Fixated mutants.

What's wrong with a prehensile tail? Year o' the Monkey, an' all...

LDones

12:43 / 02.02.04

I deeply admire the collective Lith's ability to take what seems like deep anal trolling and turn it into a conversation worth joining.

That having been said I'd gladly replace my genitals with a small monkey.

12:47 / 02.02.04

Certainly dump the girlf. Because there is NO MEANS - whether by improved communication, developing trust or mutual exploration - that anyone can EVER get better in bed (that is a SCIENTIFIC FACT proven by RESEARCH and DATA).
Whereas if you find a hot minx foxstrel who don't quit in the sack, you can always train her up to be interesting, good company, funny, intelligent, and a font of shared interests who will make you wake each day glowing and glad.

And yeah, tails.

Abracax

13:48 / 02.02.04

NO MEANS!ehh..are you absoluetly positive on that one...?

just kidding ofcourse..nothing wrong with my manhood, nothing I tell ya!!

Old brown-eye is back

15:54 / 02.02.04

Deep anal trolling?

16:35 / 02.02.04

NO MEANS!ehh..are you absoluetly positive on that one...? just kidding ofcourse..nothing wrong with my manhood, nothing I tell ya!!

Oh, please don't make me do this.
The responses on this thread are the floating city above the void, a citadel of infinite riches and culture, braced against the sides of the pit with the great rivetted iron struts of sarcasm. Like a studio Ghibli steampunk Laputa.
If I actually type the words "I was being sarcastic", the whole of this thread, and most of Barbelith, will be sucked down into the howling devouring hole in reality, with only whisps of irony and fragments of humour clinging around the rim.

So... yes, I'm sure your manhood is big enough to make any woman good in bed. That's how it works. I'm sorry to have impuned your Giant Sized Man Thing.

I'm Rick Jones, bitch

17:32 / 02.02.04

Grow a tentacle. You'd be fucking massive in the underground japanese porno circuit.

Scrambled Password Bogus Email

17:53 / 02.02.04

What exactly do you mean by 'Shit in bed'? Just lying there like a corpse while you pump away with abandon and reckless enthusiasm? Going too slow? Too fast? Too noisy? Too quiet? Not getting you off? Scared to use the tradesmans entrance? What?

Have you considered the possibility you may be gay, and her chromosome collection is simply *wrong* for you?

Think about it.

Smoothly

17:59 / 02.02.04

She doesn't give him this:

Mordant Carnival

18:13 / 02.02.04

LDones: but would the monkey's genitals be replaced by a teeny-tiny copy of you? And if so, would he have his genitals replaced by an infinitesimably small monkey? And so on?

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