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I had a minor but paralyzingly terrifying bout of heart failure the other night - while posting to Barbelith - and haven't been able to deal with it since. I keep seeing the ridiculous veins raised on my arms and the sinking realization as I'm on the phone to a hospital wondering if I have to go in (I should have, but waited until morning) that something dangerous happened. I'd been cutting back on my pills, you see, to avoid having to buy a new bottle before my new insurance kicks in. And as soon as I got out of the hospital, I arranged the test-heavy follow up and went out drinking caffeine and alcohol for hours on end. After a handful of years of relative upswing and good health, I didn't want to admit I'm all damaged and messed up.
Not dead and still not back on the stick or anything, but I'm put out with myself. I'm not sure if I'm more upset at myself for not handling it well, or for the realization that I'm still not processing/admitting and am only handling it.
Here's the incredibly blurry pic of my hand I e-mailed to the hospital:
just extrapolate that all over me, and you have the visual for 15-20 minutes of a few nights ago, when I was supposed to go out to a party and didn't. Probably better I didn't, as having all your veins bulge like Dale Keown over-sketching is a bit awkward. That I looked silly made it even harder to come to terms. |
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