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Obsessions, Personal Mythologies, and Warriors of Armeggedon


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01:55 / 03.09.03
In my time I've talked with many people about this. I see it over and over again. The basic components are a magickal "awakening", combined with a sense of purpose that one is somehow important or will have an important part to play in Big Events To Come Soon. Often, apocolyptic in nature, sometimes in the form of avatar or Chosen One of a particular diety. There is often vague divined information about what is to come and what one's personal purpose is, sometimes justified as past life regression or channeled info. It is always deeply important to the person, and a fundamental part of their personal mythology. And it turns up in damn near every magickally working person and group I know.

So here it is for Barbelith, lets just get it out and over with: How many of you at some point did or still feel yourself to be an important player in the coming apocolypse, or something similar? It is my theory that this is a natural thing people go through when getting into magic, to elevate their personal mythology to a higher level of cosmic importance, then later finding a better perspective for it with experience. Or not in some cases, like Crowley. It may also be a modern manifestation of the same thing that made prophets in earlier ages. I suspect there is a lot of legitimacy to these experiences, but that they are often interpreted as more cosmic in scale than they should be due to ego issues.

People who recognize what I'm talking about here probably don't want to talk the details of their piece of it, and that's just fine. If belief that you are the Sword Of Gabriel is important to your magickal paradigm, you probably don't want to tell people about it. This is the sort of thing one doesn't talk about much save to others who seem to already understand it. Its really better not discussed in detail publicly. But I've been tracking this for years, and have seen it appear in so many places and forms that I can only conclude that this is a common thing for people to go through. So, I'm looking for meta discussion on it.

Have you felt this sort of calling? Have you met others who can fit the bill? What do you think of it? And more importantly, if this is as common a thing for magick people to go through as my experience suggests, how can it be managed to avoid the cult-like obsession it can cause? Or is Terrence McKennet right, and on 2012 we'll all put on our light bodies and play out a final round of Hop Scotch to determine the fate of the universe?
04:56 / 03.09.03
Go on then...

Yeah. I've felt it... that i was intended in some way, had a part to play, that there was some reason that this combination-lock of DNA tumblers clicked into place at this particular time/place.

And then I find the rest of you are also here now.

Funny that you should mention McKenna ["haha" and "peculiar"] because, to be honest, the strongest I've ever experienced this epiphanic state is while entheogened... err... on drugs.

Some may call it a "psychotic episode", some may see it in a different light. Some may see it as good reason to disregard everything i've ever posted to this or any other board.

Showed ya mine...
the Fool
06:47 / 03.09.03
Yeah similar stuff. Psychotic episodes, giant apocalyptic puzzles of soul destroying intensity. Invented realities and attempted invasions of invented realities. Even the name I use for my design stuff - afrenasia. Its all connected up, downloading into me (and obviously a lot of other people) from some 5th dimensional location.
10:41 / 03.09.03
I've known for a long time that I can achieve a destiny. But I am not on a mission from god, just a nice fat ego.

A very very long time ago I had a vision in which I saw myself as having the potential to be seen as a demon & angel and wondered if I had to choose, while realising that I'm neither. To quote Blade; "I'm something else..."
11:21 / 03.09.03
something...elsewhere? :P
13:46 / 03.09.03
Well ive done my bit , i can kick back an relax and wait for you slackers to pick up the pace ! (Only 9 years left !!)
electric monk
14:48 / 03.09.03
I've had some divine/disturbing visions, but I haven't been called on for a Mission.

Won't EVERYONE be an important player in Armaggedon, magician or not? Everyone's an important player now...
15:10 / 03.09.03
wow! i wish that i did have a calling, psychotic or divine. personally i've just been on a personal mission to try and make some form of sense out of this here crazy ol' world.

as of yet i have failed spectacularly in this quest (which is probably why no higher entities have decided i'm the one for them!!!)

any takers for a 'hero of divinityb'? (the b is for budget!!)
Tryphena Absent
15:38 / 03.09.03
Oh yeah I remember that feeling. I got it for years, up until I was about 18 I think and then it just went away and never came back. It wouldn't be anything specific just this feeling of urgency and awareness that I had a big part to play in 'it'. I'm not particularly bothered by its absence nowadays. I don't think it was an ego thing but rather some kind of wash back that I'd get after massive invocation or ritual magic. It was like all the energy that had been through me running out and that would be my brain's coping facility. I think I just adapted to it after a long time, I got used to dealing with all the madnesses that come with ritual magic.
16:20 / 03.09.03
I know exactly what you mean - that "Mission" feel has been a big part of my life for the past 15 years or so (right around puberty, actually). My perspective on it varies widely depending on which Aspect (or fictionsuit, if you like) is at the fore, but I have mostly managed to keep it from becoming a real obsession (though it's harder when I'm around other people who feel a similar "Call").

I wouldn't say that my headspace is particularly Apocalyptic - there's usually an intense feeling that I need to find "the Others out there who are like Us," and band together ("unfulfilled affiliation needs" says Dr. Maslow - "a Kinship that transcends blood and distance" says my inner Mythographer). Certain power spots and totems and dreamspaces come to link a group of people, who all seem to feel more-or-less the same thing, and what I've thought of as my Personal mythology blossoms for a while as Tribal mythology. It has happened a small handful of times with different (though occasionally overlapping) groups, and gets stronger each time (the most recent occurance is still echoing in my mythspace). The "external" affirmation makes it really hard to ignore.

17:45 / 03.09.03
I currently think the sense of "mission" is kind of a predetermined thing in the human specie for... males. Call it of spiritual, neurological, physiological, genetical origin, I am fine with all of them. And yes, it rises mainly during puberty with the hormone rush. It decidedly has something to do with the male role in the specie.

Reading above, I gather most of the repliers are males, Anna (assuming she is female) was released from this by 18, and May only replies with a pun, which also highlights the role of females in regards to the male sense of "big purpose in life".

The cute an ddangerous thing of the specie is that for millenia many individuals have been able to pick up on this sense of the big mission, from Egypt to the current New Age, not to speak of religious or terrorist fanaticism, whatever you can think of.

And I don't intend to say it is not magickal. I am currently pondering and discovering myself that oh so many biological matters are deeply mixed with the sense of what we humans call magick. And this mixing is just beginning to be conceived, and needless to say it is underestimated at large by our current state of knowledge.
18:08 / 03.09.03
I never had this. Unless you count RPGs, where you're almost always a hero trying to save the world from destruction. Maybe I have a fat enough ego I don't need external justification, or maybe I'm just one of the extras in the background of the coming apocalypse, who knows.
electric monk
18:16 / 03.09.03
Hey Quantam! I'll bring the whiskey if you bring the beer. Save me a lawn chair too. I want a good view from the sidelines.
18:51 / 03.09.03
Lepidopteran, well put about the grouping pull and tribal mythologies. This is also something I've felt and experienced, as having been a part of a number of them. That when I started realizing that The Mission Pull I get wasn't unique to me, and that it seems to appear all over the damn place in wildly differing forms. There's a sense of seeking The Others, and a sort of brotherhood found in those of smilar bent with it.

Also, have a look at the Otherkin for one example of a group that has evolved this into something pretty functional, if fantastical.

And Sebastian, its not just males. I've known quite a few females with it, too. But what IS common is youth in magick. Perhaps males may be by nature more prone to it, but I suspect it has more to do with enthusiasm than gender.

Interesting bit about mine, it was pulled around Y2K. And then when that happened, and we all survived, and nobody had to arm wrestle the forces of darkness, it was pretty clear that something was a bit off. Except that after Y2K, my life changed in some specific and rather exceptional ways. It was what I went through that year that pushed my magick understanding up several notches to where I made the transition from dabbler to competent worker. So in that sense, the feeling that I was to be "activated" was spot on, just not at all what I thought. And I did have some important things to do, only they were regarding pivitol moments of people's lives around me rather than anything cosmic. So I do think there was something to it. I still get the feeling of being "guided" too, but its less a cult forming urgency so much as, well, more a form of faith. One thing trains me for the next challenge, and things continue to work out for me. Now its more a feeling that I'm "on the job", and doing what I was designed to do. The sense of impending destiny is now more like I'm currently working to fulfill it, and will only continue to do so. So, its settled more into something that keeps me going forward now than a "waiting for the moment to come", which I think is a healthy attitude. I'm no longer waiting for my destiny, I'm living it. Though at the same time, I can't really say that a group of people staunchly willing things to work out ok during a difficult and pivitol time in human history didn't have a magickal effect, either. So there is that.

And yea, I still see some big splotches on my prescient radar for the coming years. But you'd have to be a fool not to in this world. Some big events are going to happen, like they always do. I suspect the unconscious sensing of these in people is a part of the feelings of Urgency that is common with this. I've just come to accept that there is always going to be Something Big Coming, and resigned myself to living in Interesting Times and holding on for the ride.

And yet I still find myself drawn to people who feel the need to express this thing to me in quiet corners of busy parties, knowing that somehow I'll understand it. At least now I've got something useful to say to them about it.
pachinko droog
19:12 / 03.09.03
I've gone though "cycles" if you will of synchronicities and dreams that seem to act as feedback for the synchronicities, usually involving something I'm researching or reading up on. Often I'll have music on in the background while I'm writing, and just as I'm writing a word down it will be spoken or sung by whatever I'm listening to (this has happened with the TV as well).

I try to keep a running list of whatever these "trigger words" are, just to see if something coherent emerges. Depending on what I'm working on, it can seem quite significant at times. Almost as if I'm being sent some sort of message that confirms what I'm doing. I know that sounds strange but there's definitely something to it. Then I try and meditate on these "trigger words" before going to sleep, to see if anything significant emerges during a dream, and if so, to record that as well.

After doing this for a while, something akin to a personal mythology does begin to emerge. I've been meaning to find pictures that correspond to these words and to make a collage out of them for ritual work, just to see what happens.
19:32 / 03.09.03
I think the mistake is to assume that we live in end times. That the big bad final apocolypse is coming any day.

It's also a mistake to think we live in mundane times and that there is nothing to do yet.

The apocolpyse started with a big bang, some time ago, and will never end. It all just keeps going. With ups and downs. The ends can never justify the means. There is no end.

ps. Isn't "player in the apocolypse" another Jos Wheadon term. does that man taint all barbelith?
Spyder Todd 2008
03:13 / 04.09.03
Yeah I get that feeling a lot. And then I just ignore it. I know some Elementals who are all "We're defending the universe" and I say, "Yeah, well at least it's not my problem." I don't believe in "Armaggeon" so to speak. I mean, something extremely important is going to happen on 12/22/12. So what? Big shit happens all the time. It's not the end of the world. It's a cat on a bowling ball.
Kobol Strom
03:13 / 04.09.03
I tell you what,Armageddon tired of all this End of the World doom-mongering.

Attempts to qualify scientifically or otherwise, the so called 'end-times', just makes me feel afraid that everything is inconsequential, and this seems to be exactly the state to avoid. I can understand the need to remove traces of the 'messianic legacy' of judeo-Christian brain-set though. -let Jesus and everybody else be free to be themselves.Where did all this 'end-times' pessimism come from? I'm really puzzled...
salix lucida
16:45 / 04.09.03
I didn't want to disrupt elseware's perfectly good closing but now it's been bumped up, so thwahaha, now I'll bother posting.

Yeah, the world is changing faster and faster. I don't see any apocalyptic end to it any time soon, though. But the Mission Pull that cusm speaks of, yeah. I've got that. I've got an archetype/mental construct/deity banging on my head to Do Things. I've got a few of my The Others, and i like to think I'm doing something important for the world, whatever the hell that is. So is everybody else that bothers living. Some of our missions are probably even at cross purposes. i think having a Mission is, perhaps, a Really Good Purpose in and ov itself, so long as it doesn't collide head-on with physical weaponry with anyone else's. And I don't think Really Good Purposes do that.

But i'm rambling again and my capitalisation's gone all funky, so I'll shut up now...

(and, as for cusm's mention of how it relates to gender, yeah, i'm female, biologically and vaguely about the brain)
22:47 / 04.09.03
As I see it, the modern apocalyptic mythologies public and personal are the natural behaviours for individuals and groups. I think the Apocalyptic flavor to all these personal mythologies is merely the "fad" of the people making them. Human symbol systems are absurd, all of them, I see this as just an emerging social trend, the big "THING" in 2012 could be the total abandonment of the apocalyptic paradigm for at least another 1000 years, aproximately...
23:28 / 04.09.03
I have met, in these times...(whatever these times may be), extraordinary individuals that have all divulged to me a part of a secret. Each of these blessed beings - and some of the dammned as well - were impeccable in their own right, as they played their part in liberating my mind. I am grateful. Where would I be without these heros?

An emanation...manifestation...a representation of universal causation. A simple tryst...a catalyst

Myself however...I have about 3 minutes left in my apocolyptic notoriety...I'll be in my dressing room until the final act.

And for flippin' Ragnarok's sake!....Get me my tiara for curtain call!!
19:24 / 07.09.03
I've never felt any sense of impending apocalypse, or real sense of purpose for my life that I didn't set myself. The only real constant driving force for me has been curiosity.

Definitely familiar with the grouping pull, though. My brain just seems set up for tribal social structures, and some people just *click* into place in my head when I meet them or talk to them.
21:10 / 07.09.03
I've had exactly this feeling of having a big role to play in the coming apocalypse. You can philosophize as you will about the legitimacy of this apocalyptic pessimism, but such is the nature of this kind of experiences. I don't think it's purely a Judeo-Christian thing. I for one had totally discarded Christianity at that time and was more into eastern and existentialist philosophies rather than religion/mysticism/occultism. I think it's a mental phenomenon that happens pretty much the same in all humans that experience it. Perhaps there's some Jungian archetypal explanation behind it. I haven't read The Hero With A Thousand Faces by Joseph Campbell but I believe it might have something to say about this. I won't go into the details of my experience, and I've never spoken about it to anyone, except that I had a heroic role to play in some extremely dramatic future events. Needless to say I got over those delusions.
Rev. Wright
21:06 / 08.09.03
Here is one of my episodes.
03:16 / 09.09.03
it is sort of strange to openly discuss this. but hey, why not.

yes i feel like i'm on a mission.
I feel that I "have been "programmed" for some task, connected to all the shifting that is poccurring.

also on 12-21-2012 i will turn 39. how about that, fellow numerologists....
i am using the number 3 now in my name, and my latest projects all revolve around 3-cell stuff.

for the past months i''ve been involved in the sound for mel gibsons "passion" which I believe to be a tool for the NWO to establish their New World Religion in the years to come.
I am a doubleagent so to speak. It is an interesting experience, and it cant be a "coincidence" that I got hooked up with that.

besides that, i used to be in a elektro/alternative group called "mankind liberation front" (is the name obvious and pretentious enough?!?!), and my new baby is growing up to be an even bigger attempt to contribute to global enlightenment. aiding the evolutionary shift that is happening at the moment ( and that probably will climax at the mckenna/mayans timewave zero date) seems to be the only thing on my mind, and maybe it's some sort of a messiah complex, maybe i'm just going crazy, either way, I'm having a positive experience with all this.

I have been researching data that suggests that "spirits" are forced into certain bodies/lifetimes to fulfill certain functions, that might be the case for a bunch of us?

the rising use of psychadelics also suggests that many people are looking find out about their cosmic levels of importance...
13:30 / 09.09.03
i reckon humans just die and some people like to make that as big as the world and pretend that the apocalypse is coming. as a matter of courage and skill, it seems wisest to me to realise that there is no armageddon, although any personal thanatology principle is more than welcome to use that psycho-drama if it helps the user come to terms with their own mortality.
Kobol Strom
17:37 / 09.09.03

I can appreciate that expulsions of this mind-set as a cathartic ego event can instigate positive change.

So expell it,then.

I wouldn't wait for Armageddon though!-Or for the collusion of 'Divine' authority because I don't actually think McKennas timewave is going to have any effect at all. It probably refers to tv channels or internet porn sites or something.

Every waking moment that you are alive is a chance for novelty, and the future is dosed equally with unknowable and excruciating uncertainty.
17:52 / 09.09.03
yeah mckenna got his ideas from people who thought that horses were evil angel gods or sopmething. yeah okay, i'll trust them to tell me when the world's over.
18:55 / 09.09.03
The thing about the 2012 thing is, it IS a mahjor astrological conjuction, one that happens once in a long long time. So naturally, it MUST mean the end of the world... Really though, its people obsession that it means Something Big that's going to me messy. Though even without it, we're headed for a major world wide energy crises and likely will be fortunate enoughto see more of the world turned on its head in the coming decade. But its going to happen over the course of time, not all at once at the moment of the Winter Solstice. That we're living in Intersting Times is unmistakable. Soway I figure it is, if there's Something Important I should be doing, its in doing it over the course of the next decade not about where I'm standing when the clock strikes midnight.
19:20 / 09.09.03
So next hot question in the same topic: What do y'all think of this in terms of symptoms of scitzophrenia? That is, delusions of god complexes, secret messages from the voices in your head, and such things? This is a tricky one, cause much of the magickal experience fits in the category of symptoms of possible scitzophrenia, so maybe this is a bigger can of worms than this thread intends. I don't want to entirely go into the magic/madness stuff again, there are already threads on it. However, to what degree to you think this may be a factor, and to what extent might those experiencing this kind of "calling" exhibit other signs of scitzophrenia?

My pet theory is that being "magickly aware" and mildly scitzophrenic are one and the same, the magic just being a useful expression of whatever it is that causes others to go mad. This is working towards the wondering on to what degree the feelings described in this thread are in fact useful warning signs of "going too far", magickians beginning to loose it a bit to the traps of ego worship and obsession. And to what degree this type of thinking can be healthy for a magickian, and even power their mojo.

Cause lets face it, whether we admidt it or not, I'll guess a majority of us have at least fancied these thoughts at some point or other. So I think its something we as magickians should give some serious thought to on how to handle, both in ourselves and in the next person to confide in you on how they are the incarnation of an Archangel.
19:51 / 09.09.03
The "City Magick" book discussed recently had a comment on this. (from memory): "The difference between shamanism and scitzophrenia is control. A shaman can choose to end the vision, a scitzophrenic can't"

Sounds like there is a grey area. A bit is interesting, a lot is dangerous. Like many things it's easy to classify most degrees as (a) or (b) but some come close to the imaginary conceptual line, which will be slightly differently positioned for everybody.

Kinda reminds me of an often mentioned quirk, that the best computer programmers often show autistic behaviour, especially when very deep in the code.

Also, in my experience, dyslexics seem to be able to grasp complex problems with more ease than the average person.

hmm. I wonder how many other cases there are of "mild" forms of "mental aberation" having potentially useful effects. (is shamaning around useful?)
22:40 / 09.09.03
If one accepts that they are a god and/or have some divine calling, it seems that one also has to accept everyone else is a god and/or has divine calling. I mean, the possibility is there for everyone, isn't it?

I think people create these grand schemes, plots and mythologies, to overcome the chilling realization that they are indeed, expendable. It is almost as if We (and I use the almighty "We" here) have been conditioned to Hollywood results (...well, duh, May...) in - the hero gets laid/ the hero never fails (wave to Neo)/ the hero is a looker and most importantly (and the most relevant to my point and to this discussion) the hero never dies

Truly, this kind of grandiose behavior (the behavior we are discussing, not dying) and belief is the sure sign of fear, at the most basic level - fear of death.

But hey, if we continue the movie on...past the point where the credits roll....the hero grows old and dies...or the hero just plain ol' dies. Anyway it is sliced, one moment in the apocolyptic sun is an eternity....and in the end ya still die...or fade away as the gods do.

Truth is... most everyone on this planet is so terribly ingrateful and bent on destroying themselves (and the planet) that they would not even notice if you did save the world. A moment later, the world will be sliding towards the guard-rail again. Or if they did notice, they would make you some kind of god and burden you with managing their lives, and blame you when it went bad, (Maybe you could kick someone out of your house and name them "Satan", so you can blame someone else for the shit in everyone's lousy, parasitic life).....and make terrible artwork in your name...maybe even put your face on the currency....or write songs about you...bad ones! swing low, sweet haar-r-r-lo-t Not to mention the fucking lies and misinterpretation (de-liberate or otherwise) of everything that you said and did.

So I ask myself, why bother?

Death ain't looking so bad now...huh?
22:44 / 09.09.03
"The difference between shamanism and scitzophrenia is control. A shaman can choose to end the vision, a scitzophrenic can't"

Robert Anton Wilson, retelling Jung talking to Joyce about his schizophrenic niece, regarding the similarities between his use of the language and hers:

"You are swimming. She is drowning."
23:13 / 09.09.03
Or to quote Van Helsing in Bram Stokers Dracula, "We are all Gods madmen now."
22:21 / 12.09.03
I think there have been studies which concluded that altered states of consciousness, as induced by drugs, and by extension I would presume magickal gnosis, are essentially identical to schitzophrenia...

I worry frequently about my own sanity; I heard voices in my head as an adolescent, which terrified me, and over the years since I've used hallucinogens, wandered around in occult circles, developed an apocalyptic worldview (I do identify with the Apocalyptic Warrior "calling", and for the record I'm female), and then took a heels-over-tits tumble into the world of Morrison, McKenna, and RAW. Weirdness and synchronicities galore; I think you all know what I'm talking about... (Feel a lot better now that I know I have company; thank the universe for the Barbelith Underground...)

A few facts about schitzophrenia, and think about how much of this could apply to you and your magickal experiences: onset is usually in adolescent or early adult years; symptoms include hallucinations (sensing things that aren't "really there"), and delusions (believing things that aren't "really true"), such as that one is being controlled or possessed by an outside force, that one is being spied upon or plotted against (paranoia), or that one has "unusual powers and abilities". Schitzophrenics have problems thinking "logically", and perceiving "reality". They may become depressed and socially marginalized.

Are you a magician or are you just crazy? Is there a difference? How can you tell? And how often does one lead to the other, in either direction? This is something I'm genuinely concerned about...

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