Being a gay teenager these days is probably a lot easier than it used to be. You know, because in the olden days things were always worse, weren't they? Parents are forever banging on about 'how there used to be ice on the insides of the windows' in their houses on frosty nights. Exam results get better year on year, prompting calls from all over the place that exams are getting easier. And people are more relaxed in their beliefs.

So you'd think it'd be a cinch to admit that you fancy people of the same gender, yeah? Well, not exactly. Society may have become more lax, and some things might have got easier, but prejudice is prejudice, and it looks as though it's here to stay.

I can't remember ever not being gay. I do remember learning at a very young age that it was wrong, and that everyone I grew up around hated 'fucking queers'. So I did, too. Right up until I turned 17, in fact. Desperate to fit in, I played along trying to be as straight as possible, and whilst I probably painted a half feasable false picture to the outside world my head was constantly spinning with these forbidden thoughts I was having on the inside. I was desperately trying to convince myself I'd turn out 'normal' in the end. Desperate not to be outcasted by society, or laughed at or beaten up or spat upon.

A few months ago I realised that I was never going to be 'normal', and trying to tell myself otherwise was taking up too much energy - I was mentally drained. That was when I began to accept I was gay. It was an enormous step, and from that moment onwards, things improved. My head stopped spinning, it was a lot easier to figure stuff out. Knowing, accepting and loving who you are is essential, which is why coming out to yourself has to be the most important step in the whole process (sorry to get all Jerry Springer here).

Telling your first person is equally tough. Firsts are always difficult, which is important to realise. It's why people make such a big deal out of their first day at school, first shave, first kiss... they're all momentous occasions. I chickened out and told a gay stranger on the internet. This in itself can be a risky business, because the information being given could easily be taken advantage of. Luckily that hasn't been my experience, and the person I told has become a friend and mentor - an invaluable asset when going through something like this. Having the advice of someone who's done it all before is fantastic, so I'd recommend trying to find one.

The first real life person I told was my best friend. I spent about three solid days working up the courage, and it was a really terrifying stomach-tied-in-knots experience. It turned out that she was absolutely fine about it, not that I really expected deep down that she'd give any sort of terrible response. It was a huge weight off my shoulders, and it meant I finally had a real life person to talk to about what I was feeling, who I thought was fit or whatever. Little things like that - it was great finally being free to do it. She'd pull a face or laugh...and generally understand.

The more people you tell, the easier it gets. I haven't told many, but each time it gets easier to actually say the words, and it feels that bit better. Familiar with maths? Well, it's like a y=1/x graph, where y is how bad you feel and x is the number of people you tell. If that's all gobbledegook, let's just say 'it gets easier' and leave it at that. Obviously the more people you tell, the more likely it is you'll start to get hassle from certain closed-minded individuals known as homophobes, but it's vital to realise it's their problem, not yours, so don't worry about all that. You need to be selfish and deal with that stuff later.

As it stands I still have the most difficult hurdle to jump - telling my parents. I don't know what their reaction would be, and I don't feel ready. Plus they don't really need to know right now. However, it means that I have to be very careful what I do, who I tell. I do want them to find out from me, and no-one else, which is why I can't even reveal my identity in this article. One day I'll be able to.

James Edwards

Illustrations by: Ralph McGinnis

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