I'm twenty-seven. I see teens dressed almost identically to the way that I dressed as a Kid - the same brands of trainers, the same jeans, the same retro-sports gear, the baseball caps, whatever. Even the Skate-Punk thing, even the Neo-Goth thing, even that Eastern Block Rock look they're pushing, they're just not new. And I've started lying about my age, it's true. Except I tell people I'm thirty-seven. And I don't laugh or smile surreptitiously when I tell them.

Face it... face it... in a world [pick a world, any world] where 'youth' is available, 'in a can', in every high-street store, where anyone accept the genuine youth element can afford to purchase, being old is the only genuine form of rebellion we have left. So come on guys. Let's get old!

Because the older you get, the less you become a viable market for 'CRAP THAT YOU DO NOT NEED', except maybe for Werther's Originals. And frankly, we all know they're marketed towards people who find children sexually attractive.

And there's so much for you to get angry about…"Well, I got to forty and I just thought 'fuck it'. Sold the house, cashed in my pension, shaved my head, bought myself an Armoured Personnel Carrier. I do performance art now, mostly at the bigger summer dance events. I do a bit of propaganda work on the side like, but that's more of a hobby really." Chris, 42, former estate agent.

Youth... it's just so much old news. The notion of the 'teen' is over fifty years old for God's sake. And it's such an overrated experience. It's painful. Adulthood has dignity and style - Youth has an inability to walk upright, and a laughable need to wear absolutely anything that promises a sense of 'belonging' (to a culture that our parents probably started when they were our age anyway).

"In my day, all of this stuff would have been on fire." Frank, 57, anarchist.

Adulthood has an inherent sense of dignity. It has style. Fashion is no longer a concern because the mature adult (as opposed to a young adult) has access to style - they know what they look good in, and they know what makes them feel good. They've had practise. Their bodies are comfortable and familiar; they have their quirks but that's all part of their 'uniqueness' - and anything's better than the guesswork of teenaged walking, talking, drinking, sex: attempting to establish your preferences, and how much you can take of each without feeling sick. As an adult, you can at least safely assume that you know where you will be when you wake up in the morning. Admit it. Doesn't that sound great?

And when I say fashion I refer to the sports/casual, and those of the sub-cultural variety; because they are all uniforms, and as The Situationists put it: 'Rules are for schools, and uniforms? Uniforms are for rapists and murderers'.

As an adult, you are able to be genuinely eccentric and rebellious, and people will respect you for it. Because it's obviously not some 'phase' you are going through. You're obviously a 'bit of a character', someone worth having around, someone daring and dangerous. And you can do it with style... and dignity. I want some of this.

As an adult, you see that The Kids allow themselves to be sold something that they should be creating for themselves. They are being sold an adult's notion of what youth is - and surely that's going to be missing a few elements, because They look down on The Kids, right? The Kids haven't lived, they smell funny; and they're ignorant, and ignorance is dangerous. But that danger can easily be defeated with tools such as The Ploy Stay-Shunned, bad cinema, and the Internet. Pacifiers. Damn, this is getting more complex than I had hoped. Too intellectual. I wanted to keep this simple, just so you Kids will understand me.

"Well, during the revolution…" Simon, 64, artist and car thief.

Look at it from this angle... tilt your head a little, go on, no one's looking... All the coolest people are doing The Old Thing... look at Robbie Williams, he's old, in his Bond Gear and his Golf-slacks... Ginger Spice is like a sexy aunt. George Michael, Jack Nicholson, John Lydon, Tom Waits, Grant Morrison, they're all doing it. They've even let Magnum PI, alias Tom Sellick be 'the mature boyfriend' in Friends, on and off (maturity in small doses), with a moustache and chest hair! And all of your favourite DJ's are closer to their forties than you are.

Adults can find this sort of thing amusing - they don't have to get angry about it. They're allowed to have these kind of non-conformist attitudes because they can express themselves without having to hit anyone [well, at least they have other options]. They can find Robbie Williams amusing because they're not afraid of losing the respect of their friends or 'peers' as they probably call them.

"Subversives WERE subversive in my day. None of this unfocused rage you subversives have these days." Winnifred, 74, writer of Erotic Fiction.

Being Old... think about it: strolls in the park... Picnics… Sports cars… Drinking wine… Sophisticated 'affairs'… Parties... where you don't puke. And you can stay up all night because you have stamina - you know how much you can take, and you don't need fourteen hours sleep a night anymore. You can have sex that lasts all day, because you're in control of your body. You can legitimately spend all day and all night drinking - because that's what 'they do' isn't it?

Old people make the best rebels because anything they do that is considered subversive is empowered by their status as 'dignified, mature citizens': drugs [a bit of hash, just for the twinges you understand; a medicinal whisky, Tequila, or crack-pipe], sexual diversity, theft, assassination attempts, mental instability, these things mean so much more in the hands of old people. And not that I'm suggesting that any of these things should be placed on a level with crime - I'm talking about the cool, exciting, rebellious stuff that becomes something much more 'in your face' in the hands of someone of advancing years.

"More smack dear?" Muriel, retired cat-burglar.

And the older you get, the more rebellious you can become; because no one openly questions you - you're old, you've had experience of [insert subject here]. Anything they're not sure of they can put down to 'eccentricity', or psychosis.

Today, I found my first grey hair. OK, so I've had it since I was eighteen but it tends to get tucked away amongst the dark ones. But I want more. I want an eccentric streak or 'a dignified silvering at the temples'. I want to be old!

Rollo

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